GM (Teleplay; 2010)

2010-08-28T12:44:00.000-07:00

GM (Teleplay; 2010)

ACT I

FADE IN:

int. manny's office - day

MANNY SCHEIDER, a short, attractive, and well-dressed man in his forties leans back in his chair and smiles. Behind him on the wall is a football helmet and the logo for the Los Angeles Conquistadors.

COMMISSIONER WILLIAMS, a large African-American in his sixties who looks as if he could still play football, frowns, across the desk from Manny.

williams

This is no joke, Mister Scheider.

manny

Please call me Manny. Only my ex-wives call me Mister Scheider.

williams

Fine. Manny. Your team hasn't won a game in three years.

manny

Actually, it's two years, fifteen games.

williams

Los Angeles is one of our most important markets. This cannot continue.

manny

Maybe you should give the pep talk before Sunday's game. Better yet, maybe you could play Sunday's game.

williams

We want you to hire a general manager.

manny

But I'm the general manager!

williams

A general manager who doesn't trade draft picks for Lady Gaga tickets.

manny

They were impossible to get.

williams

This isn't a request, Manny. In fact, we have the perfect candidate picked out: Caitlin Connors.

manny

Caitlin? A woman GM? Whoever heard of a woman GM?

williams

Whoever heard of a black football commissioner?

Manny sheepishly raises his hand.

manny

Me.

Williams glares at Manny as if he were an opposing ball player. Manny drops his hand.

williams

Caitlin's well qualified. She's been assistant GM of the Marauders for six years.

manny

I won't do it! We'll be the joke of the league!

williams

As opposed to now?

manny

Now we're just the jest of the league. Or perhaps the quip.

williams

I told you, it wasn't a request.

manny

And if I say no?

williams

Can I be frank with you?

manny

Sure. But I thought your name was Phil.

williams

If you don't follow our directions, we'll take the team from you.

manny

You can't! It's been in my family for seventy-five years!

williams

We can. And will.

Williams stands and buttons his jacket.

williams (cont'd)

We're arranging the interview for tomorrow at noon. Don't let us down, Mister Scheider.

manny

Wow. You say that almost as viciously as my ex-wives.

int. caitlin's bedroom - night

CAITLIN CONNORS, a tall, beautiful woman in her late thirties, shakes her head as she listens to the phone, while lying in bed wearing on old, oversized football jersey.

caitlin

I heard you.

bo (o.s.)

Who's that?

caitlin

Yeah, I guess I could be there. Bye, Commissioner.

She emotionlessly hangs up the phone. After a brief pause, she jumps onto the bed, dancing.

caitlin (cont'd)

(singing)

Celebrate good times -- come on!

BO SANDERS, a handsome man about her age, enters wearing only pajama bottoms.

Caitlin?

caitlin

Guess who has an interview tomorrow, for the LA GM job?

Who . . . whoever heard of a woman GM?

caitlin

Whoever heard of a black commissioner?

You're not seriously considering it?

caitlin

Why would I? It's just what I've wanted my entire life.

You'll be a laughingstock. Vince Lombardi couldn't turn around that team. And certainly no . . .

caitlin

Woman could. I'm good, Bo. Damn good.

(winking)

Don't I know it. But, come on.

caitlin

Come on, yourself. This is my dream.

What about our dream? You know, getting married, having a family.

caitlin

We can still have that.

What -- are you gonna nurse the babies during half-time?

caitlin

No. I could do it during commercial breaks.

Look -- I can't go to LA. I've got a career here.

caitlin

But when you thought you'd be transferred to the Seattle office, you had no problem asking me to leave.

That was different.

She raises her eyebrows.

bo (cont'd)

Come on -- be reasonable. Don't you see this doesn't smell right? I mean, why didn't the team contact you directly?

caitlin

The only thing I smell is something a little closer to home.

It's like I don't know you all of a sudden.

caitlin

Perhaps it's more like, I don't know you.

int. manny's office - day

MEL HERNANDEZ, a woman in her twenties, puts cups of coffee in front of Manny and Caitlin, who are sitting across from each other.

Manny smiles flirtatiously at Mel, who reacts as if she were going to puke.

manny

That'll be all, Mel.

mel

Good -- 'cause this isn't part of my job description.

Mel exits.

manny

She's madly in love with me.

caitlin

Is she?

manny

A hazard of the job. I should tell you right off -- if you work here, you won't be able to date me.

caitlin

Is that so?

manny

I'm afraid so. I know it'll be difficult for you, but I don't date employees. At least, not since the lawsuits.

caitlin

I think I can control myself.

He leans back in his chair.

manny

You say that now, but when you've become exposed to my manliness
. . .

He and his chair fall back onto the floor.

He quickly jumps to his feet and smiles with embarrassment, before punching the intercom button.

mel (v.o.)

What is it now?

manny

My chair seems to be faulty. Order me a new one.

mel (v.o.)

Yeah. Sure thing.

The intercom disconnects. He smiles at Caitlin.

manny

Loves me.

He picks up the chair and sits down.

manny (cont'd)

Why don't we just cut to the action, as we say in football parlance, Miss . . .

caitlin

Ms. Connors.

He leans back in his chair.

manny

Ms. Connors. We'll set you up with a nice salary, a corner office -- even a secretary. In fact, you can have Mel if you want.

Falling backward again, he flails his arms to keep upright.

He takes a deep breath and smiles.

manny (cont'd)

And don't worry, you won't have to get involved with the nitty-gritty of it all.

caitlin

What do you mean?

manny

I'll continue running the team.

She angrily jumps up, turns around, and rushes toward the door. He stands, and we see that he's about a head shorter than her.

manny (cont'd)

Where you going?

She stops and spins toward him.

caitlin

I'm not signing on to be your lawn jockey.

manny

Lawn jockey? What are you talking about? I haven't had one of those in years.

She turns and walks toward the door. He rushes after her.

She opens the door, but Manny slams it closed.

manny (cont'd)

Please don't go.

caitlin

Why?

manny

Because I have to hire you.

She turns to him in surprise.

caitlin

Have to?

manny

They'll take my team away from me. My grandfather would never forgive me. And he still hasn't forgiven me for putting Pop Rocks in his Metamucil.

caitlin

This wasn't an interview, was it? It was a coronation.

She turns and opens the door, and walks out.

manny

Sure, leave. We both know you couldn't've done the job anyway.

She returns. He smiles.

manny (cont'd)

Knew that get you back.

caitlin

If I take this job, I'm gonna be a real GM -- with full authority over all football matters.

manny

Ouch. Would you settle for my office? And Mel, of course.

She turns away.

manny (cont'd)

All right -- all right. You win.

She turns back to him. He offers his hand and smiles.

manny (cont'd)

Deal?

She smiles and shakes his hand.

caitlin

Deal.

mel (o.s.)

I'm taking a coffee break. I'll be back in an hour.

manny

(whispering)

My offer of Mel still stands.

fade out:

END OF ACT I

ACT II

FADE IN:

int. caitlin's kitchen - day

Two MOVERS carry a large piece of furniture. As they exit, they expose a sad looking Bo, who's sitting behind a table swilling beer from a bottle.

Caitlin enters carrying a box of things.

So, you're really going through with it.

She stops, averting her eyes from him.

caitlin

Sure looks that way.

She walks toward the exit. There she stops and turns back to him.

caitlin (cont'd)

I got an extra big place, you know. There's plenty of room.

Yeah?

caitlin

It's also overlooking the ocean.

He takes a sip of beer.

I love the ocean.

caitlin

I know.

She reaches into her pocket for a set of keys, and throws them to him. He catches them.

What's this for?

caitlin

For if you change your mind.

int. reception area - day

Caitlin enters with her box of things.

She stops in front of Mel, who's typing at a computer.

caitlin

Good morning.

mel

Says who?

caitlin

You're not a very cheerful person, are you?

mel

You're observant. Everyone should have that one thing they're good at.

Caitlin walks toward Manny's door. She stops, and raises her fist in preparation of a knock.

mel (cont'd)

I wouldn't do that if I were you.

caitlin

Why not?

mel

He's in the middle of a consultation.

int. manny's office - same

Manny massages the shoulders of SANDY, a beautiful woman in her late teens who's sitting in Manny's chair wearing a skimpy outfit.

Sandy

I'm so proud of you, baby -- hiring a woman GM.

manny

How proud?

He ogles her cleavage.

Sandy

And to think all my friends think you're a sexist.

manny

Yes indeedy.

Sandy

What?

manny

Nothing. You were telling me how great I am. Don't let me interrupt you.

Sandy

Is she pretty?

manny

Caitlin? Why, if she were any colder, the ice caps would freeze again.

Sandy

But is she pretty?

manny

Well . . .

The intercom BUZZES.

manny (cont'd)

Mel, I told you never to disturb me when I'm in the middle of a consultation.

Sandy smiles at him. He smiles back.

mel (v.o.)

It's Coach. He doesn't sound too happy.

int. caitlin's office - same

Caitlin takes a framed photograph of an OLD MAN from her box of things.

She smiles at the picture.

caitlin

If you could only see me now.

She puts the picture on her desk next to the phone, which she looks at with some anxiety.

She picks up the receiver and dials a number.

caitlin (cont'd)

Hi, can I speak to Bo Sanders?

Manny rushes inside. She puts the receiver down.

manny

Oh, I see you've already settled in.

caitlin

Almost.

manny

Then it might interest you that Coach Peters just resigned. Along with his entire staff.

caitlin

Good. Saves me the trouble of firing him.

manny

And just who do you plan on replacing him with? Let me guess. Jillian Michaels?

caitlin

Actually I had Tom Neruda in mind.

Manny chuckles.

manny

Are you crazy? The man has more Super Bowl rings this past decade than we have wins. Why would he coach here -- assuming he wanted to coach anywhere?

caitlin

I'm gonna make him an offer he can't refuse.

She smiles and winks.

manny

You don't mean . . .

She exits.

manny (cont'd)

Perhaps you wanna try it out on me first. You know, as practice.

int. Williams' office - day

THADDEUS HANSON, a well-dressed man in his fifties, shakes his head at Williams from across a desk.

thaddeus

I'm very disappointed in you, Commissioner. You promised me that franchise.

williams

I did no such thing. I told you you'd have first crack at it if we took it over.

thaddeus

Well, why aren't you taking it over? What are you waiting for?

williams

I want to give Caitlin a chance to turn things around.

thaddeus

Hmmm. I don't suppose this has anything to do with that congresswoman who's been threatening to remove the league's anti-trust exemption?

Williams smiles.

williams

I don't know what you're talking about.

thaddeus

Why, Commissioner, I didn't realize you were such a fine politician.

williams

You don't survive where I grew up without having a certain knack for politics. Of a sort.

thaddeus

I wonder how the senior Scheider is taking this?

williams

Last I heard he was on an island somewhere.

Thaddeus smiles.

thaddeus

Is that so?

int. back of limousine - later

Thaddeus sits down.

aide (o.s.)

We found him, sir.

thaddeus

Excellent.

The aide hands him a phone.

thaddeus (cont'd)

Mr. Scheider -- Thaddeus Hanson. I just wanted to congratulate you on hiring the first woman GM.

Loud SCREAMS come from the phone, causing Thaddues to pull it far from his ear.

He smiles.

ext. tom's house, doorway - day

PAM NERUDA, a woman in her sixties, shakes her head at Caitlin, who's carrying a large purse.

pam

I'm sorry, Ms. Connors.

caitlin

Five minutes is all I ask.

pam

He wants nothing more to do with football. And the same goes for me.

Pam closes the door.

Caitlin looks up and sees a light in a room on the second story.

She sees a ladder by the side of the house.

ext. tom's house, second floor - later

Caitlin climbs the final steps.

caitlin

Dad always said I'd have to work my way up the ladder.

She looks in the window.

TOM NERUDA, a large, balding man in his sixties, rocks in a chair reading an immense book, Gibbon's The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Many half-finished paintings lie nearby.

She knocks on the window. He raises his eyes above the book in surprise.

int. tom's den - later

Tom opens the window. Caitlin smiles.

tom

If you're a groupie, you're about thirty years too late.

caitlin

Actually I wanted to talk to you about taking the Conquistadors' job.

tom

You're too late for that as well.

He starts to close the window. She tries to stop him and begins to fall backward.

catlin

Ah!

With one thick arm, he grabs the ladder.

caitlin (cont'd)

I hope you don't plan on leaving me hanging.

Later

Tom shows Caitlin his paintings.

tom

I missed a lot being a football coach. Once I went into my son's room to kiss him goodnight, and discovered he had whiskers. I'm not gonna miss out on my grandchildren, too.

caitlin

I understand.

He picks up the large book.

tom

Besides, I always wanted to read this.

caitlin

How is it?

tom

Eh. Wait for the movie.

caitlin

All I'm asking is for a couple of years, just to change the mentality of the organization.

tom

Sorry.

caitlin

You know what people say, don't you? That you were handed that team. Here's your chance to build something from scratch. Less than scratch. If you can turn us around, you'd be immortal.

tom

Nice try.

She pulls out a thick document from her purse.

caitlin

At least take a look at my plan.

later

Tom flips through Caitlin's document.

tom

Pretty impressive stuff. You did this yourself?

caitlin

Just think it over. Please.

tom

All right. But no promises.

She hugs him.

caitlin

Thank you!

tom

Well, no GM ever did that to me before. But just answer me one question: how'd you get old man Scheider to okay a woman GM?

caitlin

Actually, I've only met his grandson.

Tom closes the document and raises his eyebrows.

tom

Oh, boy.

caitlin

He's that bad? Worse than his reputation?

tom

I hear he's still upset about that amendment.

caitlin

ERA?

tom

No, the suffrage one.

int. caitlin's office - day

Caitlin enters with some travel bags.

She puts the bags by her desk, picks up the receiver, and dials a number.

caitlin

Hi, can I speak with Bo Sanders?
. . . Oh, he is. Can you please tell him to call Caitlin when he gets in? . . . Thank you.

She hangs up the receiver, picks up an empty coffee cup, and exits.

int. reception area - same

GRANDFATHER, a gruff-looking man in his eighties, enters -- with the aid of a cane -- and sees Mel talking on the phone.

mel

Sorry, sir, but you can't deduct your season tickets as charity.

She hangs up and smiles at Grandfather.

mel (cont'd)

Oh, hello, Mr. Scheider.

grandfather

Get me my grandson.

mel

Right away.

She pushes the intercom button, causing a BUZZ.

manny (v.o.)

Mel, I told you never to disturb me during The View.

mel

Your grandfather's here.

Seconds later, Manny flies through the door smiling.

manny

Hello, grandfather. Just finalizing our draft strategy. My, you certainly look tan.

grandfather

It rained for a month straight.

manny

I thought you weren't coming back until next year.

grandfather

What's this nonsense I hear about you hiring a woman GM?

manny

Well --

grandfather

-- Next thing you'll tell me is that we're hiring male cheerleaders.

manny

Well, we do have a rather large gay community.

Caitlin enters.

grandfather

Is this the floozy?

caitlin

Floozy?

grandfather

Listen, I've had enough of you Femnazis and your affirmative action. You're fired.

manny

You can't!

grandfather

Why?

manny

Because the league will take the team.

grandfather

They can't! It's been in our family for seventy-five years.

manny

They can. And will.

Grandfather turns to Caitlin and glares. She glares back.

fade out:

END OF ACT II

ACT III

FADE IN:

int. conference room - day

Caitlin and Grandfather glare at each other from across a table. Manny, sitting in the middle, watches them.

grandfather

All right, young lady -- just what qualifies you to be a GM?

caitlin

Well, besides my nearly twenty years in the Marauders front office, my father was a GM.

grandfather

You . . . your Dick's daughter? I knew him well.

caitlin

And I knew OJ before I knew Barbie. I read my first playbook before I read Dick and Jane.

grandfather

All right, so you have the pedigree. What are your plans for the draft? You're gonna take Weicker, right?

caitlin

No.

manny

Are you crazy?

grandfather

Shut up, Manny.

manny

Yes, sir.

grandfather

(to Caitlin)

Are you crazy? You'd pass up a franchise quarterback -- a once-in-a-generation talent?

caitlin

Every year there's a "once-in-a-generation" quarterback. We have no offensive line. You have to stop running this team as if it were in a fantasy league.

Grandfather looks at Manny.

manny

I'll have you know my fantasy team came in first place.

Grandfather looks at Caitlin.

caitlin

Championships are won on the line of scrimmage. And we need to build both lines.

grandfather

So, what do you plan to do?

caitlin

Unfortunately, we don't have a lot of draft picks. Perhaps if someone hadn't been such a fan of Lady Gaga . . .

Grandfather turns angrily to Manny.

Manny

They were front-row seats.

Grandfather turns back to Caitlin.

caitlin

So, I'm gonna trade down. Over and over. The middle of the draft is rich in line talent. And then next year I'll draft that "once-in-a-generation" franchise quarterback, who perhaps won't get murdered the first time he steps back to pass.

Grandfather frowns. There's a moment of uncomfortable silence.

manny

I must say, grandfather, I'm shocked. If I had known she had such ridiculous ideas, I would've never hired her.

grandfather

(to Manny)

Get out.

manny

Excuse me?

grandfather

You heard me.

Manny rises and buttons his jacket.

manny

This is about the Metamucil, isn't it?

Grandfather glares at him.

manny (cont'd)

All right -- I'm going.

Manny starts to leave.

manny (cont'd)

Don't know why they bother calling me the owner.

Manny exits.

Grandfather turns to Caitlin.

grandfather

All right, young lady, I'll give you a chance. But I'm gonna be watching.

The intercom BUZZES.

mel (v.o.)

Caitlin -- you have a call. A Bo Sheep or Diddley, or something or another.

int. caitlin's office - later

Caitlin shakes her head as she listens to the phone, while sitting in front of her desk.

caitlin

I heard you. Boy, that was fast. What's her name?

Manny bursts inside and begins to holler something, but sees Caitlin on the phone.

caitlin (cont'd)

All right. Bye.

She emotionlessly hangs up the phone. After a brief pause, she starts crying.

Manny's expression shows genuine concern. After a few moments, he quietly steps out of the office and noiselessly closes the door.

int. reception area - later

Mel types into a computer.

Caitlin enters, rubbing her watery eyes. Mel looks up at her and stops typing.

mel

Oh-oh. I know that look.

caitlin

I'm fine, really.

mel

I keep a stash just for times like these.

Mel rips open her top drawer, exposing a mass of chocolate bars.

mel (cont'd)

I got light, dark, and with almonds.

caitlin

All three?

mel

Sure thing, honey.

Mel gives Caitlin three chocolate bars. A DELIVERY MAN enters with a box of flowers.

delivery man

Delivery for a . . . Caitlin Connors.

caitlin

That's me.

He gives her a manifest. She signs it and he gives her the box.

She opens it and finds two dozen long-stemmed roses.

mel

Wow. Who they from?

caitlin

There's no card.

mel

Must be from your ex.

Caitlin smiles.

caitlin

Maybe.

mel

Come -- let's give these puppies some water.

The two exit. Manny quietly opens the door to his office and watches them leave.

He smiles.

fade out:

END OF ACT III

END OF EPISODE

Screenplays of Colin Cohen

Table of Contents

GM (Teleplay; 2010)

GM (Teleplay; 2010)

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