AN OX IN THE HOUSE (Teleplay; 2009)
"MR. VINE COMES TO WASHINGTON"
ACT ONE
fade in:
ext. washington, dc - morning
A BALD EAGLE proudly flies over the Capitol dome and poops on it.
CUT TO:
ext. apartment building - same
A police car speeds by with its sirens BLARING.
A car full of HOODS follow and shoot at the cops.
CUT TO:
int. apartment - same
ANNIE BECKMANN, an attractive woman of about thirty, calls out down the hall.
annie
Come on, Max -- I don't want to be late for the new congressman.
She looks out the window and sees two HOODS shooting at each other.
annie (cont'd)
Besides, the gunfire seems to be at a lull.
max (o.s.)
Coming, Mom!
She looks at the top of a nearby bureau and apprehensively eyes an eviction notice.
MAX, a cute boy of five, rumbles down the hall carrying a knapsack that's larger than him, stopping in front of her.
She caresses his cheek and smiles.
annie
You think you can make at least one friend this semester?
max
They're all dumb.
annie
They're not dumb -- they're five years old.
Annie walks toward the front door.
max
They haven't even read Dostoevsky.
Annie exits. Max raises his hands in exasperation.
max (cont'd)
Not even in translation.
CUT TO:
ext. outskirts of washington - same
An Amtrak train chugs along. Text underneath the logo reads: "LEAVE THE SPENDING TO US."
A railway man stokes the engine with a shovel full of dollar bills from a bin labeled "TAXPAYER FUNDING."
int. train - same
A pair of HORNS rest above the back of a seat. Across the way, a PASSENGER looks up from his newspaper.
passenger
First time in Washington?
voice
Certainly is.
A few rows back, two MEN turn to each other.
man 1
You don't think that's the . . .
man 2
He was bound to come to DC sooner or later.
CUT TO:
ext. kindergarten - later
A taxi parks in front. Two SECURITY GUARDS are waiting by the front doors in bulletproof vests. They are wielding machine guns alongside a metal detector.
Max rushes out of the cab. The cab takes off.
annie (o.s.)
Have fun, dear.
inside the cab
Annie looks out at the road and sees only a few vehicles. She wipes her forehead and looks down at her watch.
annie
I just might make it on time.
The taxi abruptly stops. She looks up and sees the road jammed pack with vehicles.
CUT TO:
int. capitol entrance - later
A SECURITY GUARD inattentively waves someone through a metal detector. In front of a long line of people, which block the view of the person's body, a set of horns enter the detector, which goes off.
security guard
Sir, will you please put your horns on the tray.
CUT TO:
int. congressional office - same
SAM WILLOWS, a nerdy-looking guy in his mid-twenties, who's wearing thick glasses, talks on the phone.
sam
No, former Representative Fisk's VIP pass to the Pussycat Ranch is not transferable to the new congressman.
He hangs up and reads through a file. Annie rushes in, out of breath, and closes the door behind her.
annie
Is he here yet?
sam
No.
She sighs and collapses in her chair.
annie
Know anything about him?
sam
Just that his name is Bo somethingoranother. Sounds like a real oaf.
annie
The more thing's change . . .
The door bursts open. BO VINE, an ox, stands in the threshold on his hind legs. He has a nose ring and his only piece of clothing is a BOLO TIE.
Sam looks up from his file.
sam
Hey -- no pets allowed in the Capitol, unless they've been properly earmarked.
bo
I'm Bo Vine -- the new congressman. So to speak.
Sam and Annie look at each other in shock.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
int. congressional office - later
Sam reads the U.S. CONSTITUTION aloud. Bo and Annie look on.
sam
(RAPIDLY) "No Person shall be a representative who shall not have attained to the age of twenty five years, and been seven years a citizen of the United States, and who shall not, when elected, be an inhabitant of that state in which he shall be chosen."
bo
Well, I'm none of those things I can't be.
sam
This is horrific. We'll be a laughingstock.
annie
Laughingstock? Sam, we've had three congressmen in eighteen months. The last one was caught drinking out of a urinal.
sam
At least he knew how to use one.
. . . I just don't understand how someone could vote for an ox?
bo
I don't understand, either. Farmer Jones came for me yesterday and says I'm elected, and then puts me on the train. I'm just thankful I didn't have to ride in a cattle car.
CUT TO:
ext. capitol grounds - later
A slew of JOURNALISTS follow REP. SLON, a balding middle-aged man who has a long nose and a red suit. He unwarily approaches a large puddle.
slon
His election is an outrageous mockery of our distinguished institution -- a blatant attempt to make us look like buffoons.
He slips and falls onto his ass in the water, splattering the journalists with mud.
CUT TO:
int. capitol rotunda - same
REP. OSEL, who looks like Rep. Slon (only instead of a long nose and a red suit, he has big ears and a blue suit), raises his finger in indignation.
osel
He certainly won't caucus with my party. Just imagine -- an ox in Congress! What would PETA say?
CUT TO:
ext. farm - same
An old FARMER speaks into a microphone with a thick rural accent -- his thumbs underneath his overalls.
farmer
I had no idea he was an ox. They said he was incapable of sexual impropriety, and that was good enough for me.
CUT TO:
int. congressional office - same
Sam, who's watching the farmer on TV, turns the volume off with a remote. Shaking his head, he turns to Annie and Bo, who points to the screen.
bo
That's my neighbor. I've even pooed on his lawn.
sam
(TO ANNIE) Well, you'd better set him up with some housing.
Sam exits. The phone rings. Annie picks it up.
mechanical voice
Annie Beckmann?
annie
Yes.
mechanical voice
Hello, this is . . . (VOICE CHANGES) Acme Collection Agency. (ORIGINAL VOICE) You owe . . . (VOICE CHANGES) seventy-two --
She throws the phone down.
bo
Who was that?
annie
Just my morning wakeup call.
Sam reenters.
sam
Well, have you found him something?
Annie pauses in thought. She turns to Bo and smiles. He smiles back.
annie
Sam, how much is the Congressional housing allowance?
The SERGEANT AT ARMS enters.
sergeant
I'm here to administer the oath of office.
later
Bo stands in front of the sergeant. Annie stands next to Bo, holding a Bible.
sergeant
Put your left hand on the Bible --
bo
-- I'm actually a Hindu.
sergeant
All right -- just put your right hand in the air.
bo
Will a hoof do?
CUT TO:
ext. capitol - later
Bo and Annie exit and walk down the steps.
bo
Now, what do I do?
annie
If you want to succeed, as little as possible.
She puts her fingers in her mouth and WHISTLES, which causes Bo to jump. She raises her arm.
annie (cont'd)
Taxi!
CUT TO:
int. osel's office - same
A newspaper headline reads: "CONGRESSIONAL APPROVAL RATING AT ZERO."
A hand slaps the page.
slon (o.s.)
See -- we're improving already.
Osel, who's sitting behind a desk holding the newspaper, shakes his head at Slon, who's standing over him.
osel
I just hope we know what we're doing.
slon
Listen -- after a few months of having that ox in Congress, even we'll look good.
osel
I had to call in a lot of favors to get him elected.
slon
And so did I.
osel
We're still gonna split his votes fifty-fifty, right?
slon
I told you we would. Don't you trust my word?
osel
No. But I guess yours is no worse than mine. How -- how can you be sure he'll do as he's told?
slon
He's an ox, you idiot. You tell an ox to do something, and it does it.
osel
If this comes out . . .
slon
Why would it ever come out? We're in this together, aren't we?
Slon offers him his hand and Osel shakes it.
CUT TO:
ext. annie's apartment building - later
A taxi leaves, exposing Annie and Bo, who excitedly points to the tiny, dilapidated front lawn, which is strewn with garbage.
bo
You mean I get this whole yard to myself?
CUT TO:
int. annie's kitchen - later
Annie leads Bo inside and points to the floor.
annie
This is where you'll sleep.
Bo sadly lowers his head.
bo
I'd prefer the lawn.
A door opens OFF-SCREEN.
max (o.s.)
Mom, I'm home.
annie
In here, sweetie.
Max rushes inside, but stops in shock when he sees Bo, who smiles warmly at him.
max
What the . . .
bo
Hello.
annie
Honey, this is Bo -- the new congressman.
max
The new what?
annie
Congressman. He's gonna be staying with us.
max
But he's a . . .
annie
An ox.
Max stares at Bo with his mouth agape. Annie starts for the door.
annie (cont'd)
I've gotta make a call. I'll be right back.
Annie exits. Max cautiously approaches Bo.
max
You're not real.
Bo touches his chest.
bo
I feel real.
max
Everyone knows an ox can't talk.
bo
Everyone but oxes.
max
Oxen. The plural of "ox" is "oxen."
bo
Not according to oxes.
Max raises his finger and opens his mouth, as if to make a point, but nothing comes out.
CUT TO:
int. annie's living room - same
Annie talks on the phone, holding a piece of paper.
annie
Yes, I can pay the rent. . . . No, I don't have the money. But I've got a government voucher. . . . It's a promise to pay. . . . A promise from the government. . . . Hello, are you still there?
CUT TO:
int. annie's kitchen - later
Bo eats with his mouth wide open. Annie and Max, who haven't touched their food, look at him nauseously.
annie
Any good?
bo
I'll let you know after I regurgitate it back into my mouth.
annie
Well, Max -- I think it's time for bed.
Max unhappily rushes off, just as Bo belches -- so loudly that the table and its contents shake.
man (o.s.)
Earthquake!
bo
Problem?
annie
We're just not used to seeing an ox eat.
bo
It sure beats the other direction.
She stands up.
annie
Speaking of which, are you -- are you housebroken?
bo
As housebroken as any congressman, I reckon.
annie
That's what I was afraid of. I'll leave some newspaper on the floor.
CUT TO:
int. hallway - night
Max groggily walks toward the bathroom. As he puts his hand on the door, he hears loud MOANING sounds.
bo (o.s.)
Just a little bit more . . .
He moans even louder.
max
How disgusting!
CUT TO:
int. bathroom - same
Bo looks into the mirror -- a piece of dental floss between his hooves.
bo
I don't understand how anyone uses this stuff.
CUT TO:
int. kitchen - morning
Max, who's eating breakfast, turns to Annie.
max
(WHISPERING) When is he gonna go?
annie
We need the money. Can you understand that?
max
But he's filthy! And dumb!
annie
Sshhh. He could hear you.
The kitchen door creaks open. Bo peeks his head inside.
bo
Oxes have feelings, too, you know.
Bo leaves. Max lowers his head.
CUT TO:
int. congressional office - later
Annie and Sam furiously type in front of their computers. Slon and Osel joyfully enter, causing Annie and Sam to stop what they're doing and look at the men.
slon
Good morning.
annie and sam
Good morning.
osel
Is Representative Vine in?
sam
Yes.
slon
If you'll excuse us.
The two men walk deeper into the office. Sam continues typing.
annie
What do you think those two rats want with Bo?
sam
Ah, so now it's "Bo."
annie
That's his name.
sam
Getting a little personal, are we?
annie
No.
sam
I wouldn't if I were you. My guess is that they'll run "Bo" out of town before the week ends.
CUT TO:
int. bo's office - same
Bo smiles and puts his hind hoofs on his desk. There's a KNOCK on the door.
bo
Come in!
Slon and Osel enter, stopping at the threshold. They raise their arms.
slon and osel
Good morning, dear sir!
bo
Good morning!
The two proceed into the room, but suddenly stop. They grimace, before covering their noses (and continue to hold them through the remainder of the scene.) Their faces turn red and they look as if they will vomit.
bo (cont'd)
Oh, I'm so sorry -- I just passed some gas.
slon
No problem.
bo
I would strongly advise against lighting a cigarette.
osel
No problem at all!
slon
Did you receive our gift?
bo
I'm sorry -- who are you?
osel
I'm Osel, leader of the Democrats. And this is Slon, leader of the Republicans.
bo
Oh, yes -- I did receive it.
Bo puts his hoofs on the floor and rolls a barrel labeled "PORK" from underneath his desk.
bo (cont'd)
Unfortunately, I'm a vegetarian.
slon
How callous of us!
osel
Indeed! How about we send you some truffles instead?
slon
French, of course.
osel
Unless you prefer the Italian variety.
bo
Why, I've never had a truffle.
slon
Truffles it is, then!
osel
We have something else for you, too.
bo
More gifts?
slon
Something like that.
Slon takes out a folded piece of PAPER from his jacket and hands it to Bo.
bo
What's this?
osel
Well, with you being new here, we thought you would like this guide to the new session of Congress.
bo
Guide?
slon
Yes -- it lists upcoming bills and the proper vote for each of them.
bo
You mean I don't even have to think about how I should vote?
osel
That's right.
bo
Wow, you guys are really nice. I don't know how to thank you.
slon
So, you'll follow our voting recommendations?
bo
Of course. I'm an ox -- I do whatever I'm told.
Slon winks at Osel, who smiles back.
CUT TO:
int. congressional office - later
Annie furiously types in front of her computer. There's a KNOCK on the door.
annie
Come in.
A FARMER and his young DAUGHTER enter.
farmer
Hi. I'd like to see Congressman Vine.
CUT TO:
int. bo's office - later
Annie stands at the threshold. Bo smiles at her.
annie
I want to apologize.
bo
For what?
annie
For what Max said this morning.
bo
Forget it. I have. Oxes have short memories. In fact, by tomorrow I will have forgotten that I forgot.
annie
Anyway, there's someone to see you.
later
The farmer and his daughter are sitting in front of Bo.
farmer
You see, they wanna take my farm, and lots of others, just to build this huge interstate shopping mall. That farm -- it's been in my family five generations.
bo
Do you know the name of the bill?
farmer
I sure do. H.R. Six-One-Nine.
Bo picks up the list given to him by Slon and looks at it.
bo
Let's see . . . here it is. I'm gonna vote . . . yea.
farmer
But -- but a yes vote means the government will take our farm.
bo
But that's what it says here. Have a look.
The farmer stands up and storms off with his daughter. At the threshold, he turns back to Bo.
farmer
I thought you might be different. But you're just like the rest of them.
They exit.
bo
What's with them?
He starts sniffing the air.
bo (cont'd)
Did I pass gas again?
CUT TO:
int. annie's kitchen - same
Max holds the phone to his ear.
annie (v.o.)
I'm gonna be home late tonight.
max
Is he mad?
annie (v.o.)
Fortunately, oxes have short memories.
max
Oxen.
CUT TO:
int. house chambers - later
Slon and Osel are huddling with their respective MEMBERS as if they were football players.
slon and osel
Break!
The huddles break off and the representatives, who look similar to Slon and Osel -- with either long noses and red suits or big ears and blue suits, take their seats. Bo approaches the two men.
bo
Hey, guys -- I wanted to ask you something. It's about this H.R. Six-One-Nine.
slon
You're gonna vote yea.
bo
I know. But this fellow said it would take away their farm.
osel
Oh, don't listen to that nonsense. What it'll do is get rid of all that rural blight and replace it with lots of great minimum-wage jobs. You vote yea, you hear.
bo
Sure thing.
Bo lowers his head and starts to walk away.
slon
Oh, you'll find some truffles by your desk.
later
The sergeant bangs his gavel at the rostrum.
sergeant
Order, order. We are about to vote on --
bo (o.s.)
-- Man, these truffles are great!
sergeant
Order, I said.
bo (o.s.)
But they really are! Here, try one!
The sergeant bangs his gavel, over and over furiously.
sergeant
As I was saying, we are about to vote on H.R. Six-One-Nine. Before we do, does anyone want to be heard?
at bo's deSK
Bo looks around -- a large truffle hanging from his mouth. He turns to the REPRESENTATIVE sitting next to him and drops the truffle onto his desk.
bo
What does that mean?
REPRESENTATIVE
It means that you can go up there and talk about the bill.
bo
I can?
Bo raises his hoof.
bo (cont'd)
Ooh! Me! Me! Pick me!
later
Bo steps up to the podium.
He looks up at the gallery and sees the farmer and his daughter. He turns toward the representatives and sees Slon and Osel frantically trying to wave him off stage.
He smiles and waves back.
bo
Hey, buddies -- thanks for the gift!
Slon and Osel cover their eyes and begin to sink in their chairs. The sergeant bangs his gavel OFF-SCREEN.
sergeant (o.s.)
You have two minutes.
bo
I just want to say that everyone should vote for this bill -- even if it means lots of people will have their homes stolen. Even if it makes no sense. If our leaders are for it, it just must be right.
Slon and Osel sink further in their seats.
bo (cont'd)
We should always do exactly what our leaders tell us. We should follow them blindly, like cattle to slaughter.
Many voices murmur. The sergeant bangs his gavel OFF-SCREEN.
later
The sergeant clears his throat.
sergeant
The final vote for H.R. Six-One-Nine, the "Stealing Farms for Shopping Mall Act" is four hundred and thirty-two opposed and three in favor. The bill fails.
later
Bo approaches Slon and Osel, who are slumped over their desks.
bo
Sorry, boys -- we came up just a little short.
Slon raises his head.
slon
Go choke!
Osel leaps toward Bo, but Slon holds him back.
bo
What's wrong with him? I voted for the bill, just as I said I would.
osel
Get out of my sight! Get out of my sight or I'll turn you into steak!
later
The farmer and daughter greet Bo near the chamber exits.
farmer
I don't know how to thank you. You saved our farm.
bo
I did?
The little girl hugs one of Bo's shanks.
from the gallery
Annie watches Bo and the little girl. She rubs a tear from her eye.
annie
Come on, Annie -- you've come way too far to lose your cynicism now.
CUT TO:
int. osel's office - later
Osel talks on the phone while looking at Slon, who's sitting across from him with his head down.
osel
Thanks.
Osel hangs up the phone.
osel (cont'd)
More bad news.
Slon raises his head.
osel (cont'd)
The latest polls give the ox a ninety-eight percent approval rating. What's more -- our numbers went down.
slon
Fiddlesticks!
osel
We have to get rid of him.
slon
Next time we'll elect a fish.
osel
The only question is how to get rid of him.
slon
Don't you worry about that.
CUT TO:
int. congressional office - later
Annie furiously types in front of her computer. Slon and Osel enter with grins. Annie continues typing.
annie
He's not here.
slon
We know.
osel
We came to see you.
She stops typing and looks at them.
annie
What do you rats want?
slon
Is that anyway to talk to friends?
annie
What do you want?
osel
We want the ox gone.
annie
And how do you plan on doing that?
slon
We know he's staying with you. Tonight we'll send a photographer from the Enquirer to your place with some hookers and drugs.
osel
You just let them in once the ox is asleep, and he'll take care of the rest.
annie
What makes you think I'd go along?
slon
Because you're a practical woman. A practical woman whose ex-husband left her a mountain of debt.
annie
How do you know that?
osel
We're in the government, Annie. We know everything about everyone.
slon
And we're here to help.
Slon takes out a check from his jacket pocket and hands it to her.
Her eyes widen when she sees all the zeros.
fADE Out.
END OF ACT TWO
ACT THREE
FADE IN:
int. ANNIE'S LIVING ROOM - later
Bo scratches his stomach and laughs as he watches television on a couch.
bo
Man, I love this Animal Planet. If they only had some reality shows.
Max enters wearing pajamas.
max
Hi.
Bo stoically turns toward him.
bo
Hi.
max
I was wondering . . . I was wondering if you could read me a bedtime story.
bo
I thought I was dumb.
max
I thought oxes had short memories.
Bo points at Max and smiles.
bo
You said "oxes"!
Max smiles.
CUT TO:
int. max's bedroom - later
Bo pulls the covers over Max, who's lying in his bed.
bo
What would you like me to read you?
Max points to an immense BOOK on the nightstand.
max
I'm just finishing that one.
Bo turns to it. It's a complete and unabridged copy of Proust in French.
Bo tries to lift the book, but it's so heavy that he groans from the exertion.
The book falls, splitting apart the wooden floor.
bo
Now, that's what I call ponderous fiction. How about I tell you a story instead?
Bo sits on the bed, causing it to tip over.
bo (cont'd)
Once upon a time, there were these two beings from different worlds. And, at first, one had trouble understanding the other.
later
bo
And he finally realized that different didn't mean bad, or weird, or even dumb. It just meant different. And he came to respect the other guy, and they lived happily ever after.
Bo stands up, causing the bed to rattle.
max
I really liked that story.
bo
You did? Because I didn't understand any of it.
max
Would -- would you mind if I called you "Uncle Bo"?
bo
I've been called worse.
max
Goodnight.
bo
Goodnight.
Bo kisses Max on the forehead.
outside max's bedroom
Annie watches Bo kiss Max.
She turns away. She RIPS a piece of paper OFF-SCREEN.
She looks down at the torn check.
annie
Practical Annie. Stupid Annie, is more like it.
Bo walks up to her from behind.
bo
If I'm Max's uncle, does that make me your brother?
annie
Goodnight, Bo.
bo
Goodnight, Annie.
He turns and walks away.
She looks back at him and smiles.
FADE OUT.
END OF EPISODE
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