House of Kidz (2001)
fade in: JAKE STEIN unhappily rushes through a crowded MANHATTAN street at MIDDAY. He is a small, attractive man in his early thirties, wearing an ARMANI suit.
jake (vo)
As I was a successful young man, I should’ve been happy.
(beat)
I had everything. A junior partnership in a top consulting firm, a beautiful family, and enough toys and gadgets to fill the dullest Sunday.
(beat)
So what was wrong?
ext. posh restaurant - same
Jake quickly enters.
int. restaurant - later
Jake is stiffly sitting across from PETER, a heavy-set, balding man in his late forties who is a little tipsy. Peter quickly drains a martini and loudly snaps at a WAITER.
peter
Another martini. And get him one too.
jake
That’s okay, Peter.
peter
Nonsense -- you need to loosen up.
The waiter leaves.
jake
I’d really like to talk to you about that reengineering project.
jake (vo)
Corporate reengineering, also known as corporate restructuring. Or simply, corporate layoffs.
jake
If you implement our proposal, you’ll eliminate no less than a thousand employees. I think if you check the numbers . . .
peter
Fuck the numbers. Don’t you think about anything besides business?
Jake shrugs.
peter (cont’d)
That’s the problem with your whole generation.
The waiter brings the martinis. Jake solemnly looks into his glass.
jake
A generation dedicated more than the last to the fear of poverty and the worship of success; grown up to find all gods dead, all wars fought, all faiths in man shaken.
peter
Fitzgerald.
jake
(surprised)
How’d you know?
peter
I remember cramming all night for an American Lit final. Of course, my brothers and I cheated anyway.
jake
(shocked)
You were in a fraternity?
peter
Yes, even though it wasn’t popular then, I was in a fraternity.
Peter takes a sip.
peter (cont’d)
And I’m still friends with a lot of the boys.
jake
After all these years?
peter
(smiling)
After all these years.
jake
I was in a fraternity, too.
Jake drains his drink.
int. jake’s office - later
Jake, clearly drunk, is working on his computer. In the background is an impressive view of the Manhattan skyline.
jake (vo)
I had actually been thinking a lot about my fraternity. I really missed the friendship. Those guys -- they were my best friends.
(beat)
They were my only friends.
Jake clicks the mouse and types on the keyboard.
jake (vo)
Of course, being a big-shot consultant, who has time for friends?
Jake stares blankly at a pornographic Web site featuring ASIAN WOMEN. He opens his zipper.
int. bookstore - later
Jake is dispassionately looking at management consulting books.
jake (vo)
And my fraternity wasn’t the only thing from my past I was thinking about.
Jake looks at the neighboring History section and meekly smiles.
ext. bookstore - same
Jake exits carrying a book inside a paper bag.
He stops at the TRAVEL AGENCY next door. In the window is an ADVERTISEMENT offering a round-trip ticket on the shuttle to Washington, DC.
He looks at his GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY RING.
ext. reagan national airport, washington, dc - later
A plane lands.
ext. street - later
A TAXI speeds past a SIGN that states: GEORGE WASHINGTON UNIVERSITY.
int. taxi - same
The TAXI DRIVER turns to Jake, who anxiously looks at his ROLEX watch.
taxi driver
Can I drop you off on G Street?
jake
Just do it fast.
ext. street - later
Jake quickly turns the corner of 21st and F, paper bag in hand.
He slows down and looks straight ahead in shock. His hands clutch a tall METAL FENCE, as he looks into a half-empty parking lot.
jake
It’s gone. . . . It’s all gone.
ext. jake’s house - day, 1984
DAD, a small, plump middle-aged man standing beside a beat-up OLDSMOBILE, looks at his cheap watch and then toward the modest suburban house. He is wearing a polyester shirt, leisure slacks, and white shoes.
dad
Jacob -- let’s go!
A large suitcase is slowly dragged across the front lawn.
jake (vo)
On the day I left home for my freshman year at GW, I was . . .
Jake appears. He has long, dirty uncombed hair and has heavy peach fuzz on his face.
jake (vo)
A mess.
Dad looks at Jake’s shirt, which depicts Christ nailed to a dollar bill, and shakes his head.
dad
You’re gonna be a real hit with the gentiles.
int. car - later
Dad is driving. MOM, a short middle-aged woman with graying hair, is sitting in the front seat. Dad looks into the rearview mirror and sees Jake’s reflection.
dad
Given any thought to a major? Lots of choices out there -- Business, Law, Medicine --
jake
Philosophy.
dad
(perturbed)
What? What are you gonna do with a Philosophy degree?
jake
Become the next Nietzsche.
dad
(excitedly)
Nietzsche? Who the hell is Nietzsche? I don’t know any Nietzsche.
(to Mom)
Ruth, do you know a Nietzsche?
mom
Watch the road!
Dad quickly straightens the wheel.
mom (cont’d)
Listen, if he wants to be like this Nietzsche fellow, let him. He has to make his own mistakes.
Dad shakes his head and turns on the radio.
radio announcer (vo)
On the campaign trail today, President Reagan . . .
Dad forcibly turns off the radio.
dad
If that bum gets elected again, it’ll be the end of my business.
jake
How can Reagan possibly affect the shoe business?
dad
How? Today, everyone wants expensive shoes. Guys like me who sell moderately-priced shoes are getting killed.
(beat)
But when Mondale gets elected, just you wait, that’ll all change.
jake
The only change will come when we get rid of them all.
dad
(angrily)
Don’t you start, son. Don’t you start with that anarchy crap.
(to Mom)
Can you believe this -- ten thousand dollars a year so our son can become the next Sacco Vanzetti.
jake
Sacco and Vanzetti.
dad
Whatever! . . . A bunch of murderers.
jake
They were heroes!
ext. car - same
The car swirls into the next lane, almost hitting another car.
int. jake’s room - later
JOEY GOTTI, a large, handsome man with a heavy New England accent, is jumping on his bed, singing along with a loud HEAVY METAL SONG. He is using a television antennae as a microphone. POSTERS of half-naked women are on the wall.
Jake slowly appears in the entranceway, dragging his suitcase. He stops and stares at Joey in shock. Joey smiles.
joey
Nice shirt. I think my priest has one.
jake (vo)
If I had a polar opposite, it was my roommate, Joey Gotti.
Joey jumps off the bed and turns down the stereo.
jake (vo)
He was everything I wasn’t: tall, good looking, and athletic.
Joey smiles as he approaches Jake. He offers Jake his hand.
jake (vo)
But most of all, he was fun; he was the kind of guy who would forever be eighteen.
Jake shakes Joey’s hand, which engulfs his, and politely smiles.
jake
Jake Stein.
They stare awkwardly at each other in silence for a few moments.
joey
So, do you drink beer?
int. jake’s room - night
Joey noisily and messily chugs a can of beer, belches, and then wipes his mouth with his hand. He looks at the can of OLD MILWAUKEE BEER.
joey
Old Mill -- it doesn’t get any better than this.
Jake, who is reading NIETZSCHE’s “Thus Spoke Zarathustra,” looks up from his book in disgust.
Also in the room is GARY, a tall, average-looking guy wearing a STAR TREK T-shirt; and BUBBA, who has strawberry-blond hair, freckles, and a rural accent. Bubba is wearing a tractor cap and is chewing a large mouthful tobacco.
gary
You guys notice all the JAPs?
bubba
Gary, I haven’t seen any Japanese people.
gary
(exasperated)
Bubba, “JAP” stands for “Jewish American Princess.”
bubba
How can you tell they’re Jewish?
joey
Aren’t there any Jews where you’re from?
bubba
Nope. Hell, I’ve got a cousin who thought Jews were just some mythical people from the Bible.
Bubba spits a huge wad of tobacco into a Coke bottle, much of which drips down the sides.
bubba (cont’d)
But he’s one of them hill people -- so he wasn’t as well educated as I was.
joey
Personally, I don’t mind the Hebs.
As Joey takes a beer from the refrigerator, Jake slams his book, gets up, and walks toward the door. Joey turns to Jake.
joey (cont’d)
Where you going?
Jake stops.
jake
The library.
joey
You’re not pissed off ‘cause I said “Hebs”?
(smiling)
Hey -- at least I didn’t say “kikes.”
Gary laughs. Jake turns to Joey in anger.
Joey (cont’d)
Oh, relax -- have a beer with us.
Joey offers his beer to Jake.
jake
Alcohol’s the opium of the stupid.
Joey grabs Jake’s shoulder and effortlessly drags Jake toward himself. Joey wraps his right arm around Jake’s upper torso and holds the beer in front of Jake with his left. Joey lightly squeezes his right arm and smiles.
joey
Peer pressure.
Jake reluctantly takes a sip. He grimaces.
int. jake’s room - later
Everyone but Jake is playing Quarters. Jake is sitting on his bed arms crossed, looking as if he were a hostage. Gary rolls a quarter off his nose and into a glass of beer.
joey
That’s kidz.
bubba
It’s what?
joey
Kidz. Something wicked ballsy.
(beat)
Once a house in our neighborhood burned down. The headline the next day was: “HOUSE BURNS DOWN. KIDS DONE IT!”
Joey takes a sip of beer. Jake shakes his head.
jake
That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.
SANJAY, a drunken Indian carrying a lit CIGARETTE, stumbles inside.
sanjay
Hey -- you guys mind if I borrow a beer?
Without waiting for a reply, Sanjay opens the refrigerator.
bubba
Help yourself, friend.
Joey looks at Bubba askance. Jake walks to the bathroom. Sanjay opens a beer and flicks ashes into it.
bubba (cont’d)
What are you doing?
sanjay
(smiling)
It gets you really fucked up.
gary
Or really dead.
Joey smiles.
joey
See, that’s kidz!
sanjay
Who wants to try?
Joey picks up Jake’s beer.
joey
Quick!
Sanjay flicks some ashes into the beer. Joey puts the beer back just as Jake returns. Jake takes a sip and notices everyone is watching him.
int. jake’s room - morning
Joey and Gary are watching an old STAR TREK episode while Jake sleeps. They mouth the words of the actors as they’re spoken.
kirk and joey
Is there anyone on this ship who even remotely looks like Satan?
Jake wakes up in agony from a hangover. He looks at Joey and Gary in disbelief.
gary and spock
I am not aware of anyone who fits that description, Captain.
joey and kirk
No, Mr. Spock, I didn’t think you would be.
Gary smiles at Jake.
gary
Joey, did you know that Spock is actually a Jew?
joey
Bullshit. Everyone knows there’s no Jews in outer space.
Jake gets up and runs to the bathroom holding his mouth.
joey (cont’d)
At least we know he’s a humanoid, Mr. Spock.
int. student registration - day
Jake, who is wearing a BLACK FLAG T-SHIRT, is waiting at the end of a long line of people. He looks nauseous as he listens to the two extremely thin, expensively-dressed MALE STUDENTS ahead of him. They both have thick Long Island accents.
first student
Dad says if I get good grades this semester, he’ll buy me a Porsche.
second student
My dad’s gonna buy me a Porsche, even if I don’t get good grades.
The two students smile and hi-five each other. DOUG, a man with curly blond hair and glazed eyes, passes Jake, but quickly stops.
doug
Black Flag!
Jake turns to Doug.
doug (cont’d)
You can’t tell me you like Black Flag. They’re so nihilistic!
jake
So?
doug
You’re a nihilist?
The two students turn to Jake and then smile at each other condescendingly. Jake glares at them.
int. classroom - day
PROFESSOR WHITE, a woman in her nineties, is crouched over her desk.
jake (vo)
When I started college, I expected to be intellectually challenged.
professor white
Class, today we’re going to learn about our friend, the gerund.
She picks up a piece of CHALK, and holding it with her fist, slowly and awkwardly writes on the BLACKBOARD.
professor white (cont’d)
G . . . E . . . R . . .
The chalk breaks. She bends down to pick it up, but stops half way. She straightens out and turns to the class.
professor white (cont’d)
Where were we?
Jake stares at SUSAN, a pretty ASIAN woman wearing glasses.
jake (vo)
Fortunately, I found distractions.
Susan turns toward Jake. He quickly looks elsewhere. She smiles.
int. classroom - later
The class starts to leave. Susan walks up to Jake.
susan
Hey -- would you like to get some beer?
Jake looks behind himself. He then turns back to Susan and blushes.
jake
S-Sure.
int. pub - later
Jake and Susan are drinking beer. A half-empty PITCHER of beer is on the table.
susan
I think it’s so cool you’re a Philosophy major. It seems like everyone here is only into business.
(beat)
I mean, I just dated this guy -- and all he could talk about was fucking T-bills.
Jake nervously smiles as he takes a sip. Susan smiles.
susan (cont’d)
Jake, can I ask you a personal question?
jake
Sure.
Jake takes a quick sip.
susan
Are you a virgin?
Jake coughs. He pauses. He takes another sip. He talks into the glass.
jake
Yes.
susan
Do you want to remain one?
Jake looks shocked. His face is bright red.
jake
You . . . you mean?
Susan smiles, stands up, and grabs Jake’s hand. He looks at the pitcher.
jake (cont’d)
Don’t you think we should finish the beer first?
Susan jerks Jake out of his chair.
int. susan’s room - later
Jake is lying in bed naked, looking terribly uneasy.
jake (vo)
As it was my first time, she could’ve been a little gentler.
Susan, who is astride Jake, aggressively bounces on him. Jake looks nauseous.
Susan loudly screams, before rolling off to the left of Jake. He turns to the right and almost vomits. After controlling himself, he turns and lovingly reaches for Susan, just as she gets off the bed.
Susan starts quickly dressing.
susan
I’ve got a class.
She hesitates momentarily.
susan (cont’d)
(annoyed)
That means you have to go.
Jake slowly and confusedly gets up.
ext. dorm - later
Jake and Susan exit.
jake
So, I guess I’ll see you in class?
Jake stops, but Susan continues on.
susan
Whatever.
jake
I . . . I . . .
int. jake’s room - later
Jake is lying on his stomach, his head on his arms. Joey enters.
joey
What’s wrong?
jake
(perturbed)
Nothing.
joey
Come on -- we’re going.
jake
Going where?
joey
To the fraternity party I told you about.
jake
I’m not going to no fucking frat party.
Joey grabs one of Jake’s ankles and pulls him off the bed.
jake (cont’d)
What are you doing? Let go of me!
Joey drags Jake out the door.
jake (cont’d)
Joey!
ext. tau mu house - later
Jake, Joey, Gary, Sanjay, and Bubba stand in front of a CRUMBLING OLD TOWNHOUSE that has a BRONZE “TM” PLAQUE on it.
gary
It looks haunted.
Joey shrugs.
joey
The beer’s free.
Joey, Gary, Sanjay, and Bubba approach the house. Jake remains. Joey walks back to Jake.
joey
You’re gonna have a good time tonight, if I have to kill you.
int. tau mu main room - same
A group of ten men and women surround a BEER KEG. TOM, a preppy-looking guy, greets Joey and the others as they enter.
tom
Glad you guys could make it.
joey
Tom, I thought you said you’re having a party tonight?
tom
We are.
joey
Where is everyone?
tom
This is it.
(smiling)
Hey, Tau Mu’s not like those other fraternities, with their mindless parties -- in superficial pursuit of the pleasures of the flesh.
(beat)
Here, we aspire to loftier ideals
. . .
group (os)
Dennis! Dennis! Dennis!
at the keg
DENNIS, a blond-haired man, is kneeling on the floor. A man has the tap of the keg to his mouth, allowing a free flow of beer.
group
One . . . two . . . three . . .
Joey and a heavy-set WOMAN eye each other.
int. jake’s room - later
Jake is sleeping.
joey (os)
I got laid! I got laid!
Jake wakes up startled. Joey drunkenly bursts inside, turns on the light, and strikes a pose of triumph.
joey
Get down, you big brown cow!
(to Jake)
Dude -- I did her right in front of the Washington Monument!
jake
(sleepily)
Who?
joey
I don’t know -- some pig I met at the party. But here’s the best part. Not only did I fuck her,
. . . but I also came on her face.
jake
(disgusted)
Oh!
Jake pulls his pillow over his head. Joey pulls it away.
joey
Just think -- in twenty years, maybe . . . maybe I’ll see her on the street.
jake
I’m not listening!
joey
And you know what I’ll say? “Hey, baby, remember me? . . . I came all over your face.”
int. jake’s room - night
Jake is sitting on his bed, reading THE LETTERS OF SACCO AND VANZETTI, which has a cover picturing the two anarchists in handcuffs. Over his bed is an anarchy poster (a large encircled “A”.)
Tom, who has a broad smile on his face, is talking to both Jake and Joey.
tom
I really hope you both strongly consider joining.
Tom starts to walk out. He stops at the door and turns back to them with a serious expression.
tom (cont’d)
We’re not the biggest house, nor do we have the best parties; but we’re decent guys, decent guys who really like each other.
Tom nods and leaves. Jake remains focused on his book.
joey
So?
jake
So what?
joey
Are you joining?
Jake looks up from his book.
jake
Do I look like a fucking frat rat?
ext. campus - day
Jake and Gary are walking down a street. It’s hot outside.
gary
Got any plans for the summer?
jake
Gotta make some money, I guess.
gary
You say it like it’s something evil.
jake
Well?
They pass the Tau Mu house.
gary
Well, without money, I won’t be able to buy that kickass stereo for our room next year.
tom (os)
Hey, guys -- come on over, we’re having a barbecue.
They stop and turn to Tom and a few others.
gary
Ah . . . we’re kind of in a hurry.
Tom picks up two hot dogs and hands it to them.
tom
Even though you two didn’t join, you’re always welcome.
(to Jake)
Hey, if you see Joey, tell him to get his butt over here.
int. jake’s room - later
Jake opens the bathroom door. He turns on the light. Joey’s sitting on the toilet, fully dressed and crying.
jake
I’m sorry, I . . .
joey
Shut the fucking door!
Jake quickly closes the door, remaining outside of it.
jake
What’s wrong?
joey (os)
It was a year ago today.
jake
What?
joey (os)
They shot him. My brother Tony. He was just walking down the street. He wasn’t bothering them.
jake
Who?
joey (os)
Jake? If you tell anyone I was crying, . . . they’ll have an easier time finding Hoffa.
int. dad’s car - day
Dad, who is driving, looks back toward Jake.
dad
You know, you could always work for me at the store this summer.
(beat)
I can’t pay you a salary -- but there’s damn good commissions to be made on shoes. What am I always telling your mother?
jake
(unenthusiastically)
Everyone needs shoes.
ext. terry vacuum cleaners - day
Jake, wearing an ill-fitting and unfashionable suit, enters a rundown office building.
jake (vo)
If I had to get a job, it wasn’t gonna be in my father’s shoe store.
int. terry vacuum cleaners - day
Jake dials a number from a WEST ORANGE TELEPHONE BOOK.
JAKE(VO)
Having no skills or experience, my only option was selling fifteen-hundred-dollar vacuum cleaners.
(beat)
However, I soon found I had an amazing aptitude toward sales.
jake
So, would you like to make an appointment? . . . Hello? Hello?
Jake hangs up the telephone. The MANAGER, a middle-aged man with a paunch, wearing a red polyester suit, approaches Jake.
manager
Who you calling?
Jake shows the manager the telephone book.
manager (cont’d)
There’s your problem. No one in West Orange is gonna buy a Terry. Only rich Jews live there.
jake
Aren’t rich people the most likely customers for such an expensive product?
manager
(condescendingly)
No. Tell me, do you think some rich, fucking Jew in West Orange is ever gonna use a vacuum cleaner?
The manager flips Jake the NEWARK TELEPHONE DIRECTORY.
manager (cont’d)
Here. And when you set up your first demo, I’ll close for you.
ext. housing project, newark - day
Jake and the manager shake the hands of a young African-American couple. Jake smiles uneasily.
JAKE (VO)
And close he did. A fifteen-hundred-dollar vacuum to a couple on welfare.
int. dorm hallway - day
Jake drags his suitcase through the hallway, quicker than the previous year. Occasionally, he lifts it off the ground. He is a little better dressed, and has shorter hair; but he still has an unkempt appearance.
int. jake’s room - same
Jake enters. The room is furnished with typical rented furniture. Loud music is playing from a large stereo. Joey, Gary, and Bubba greet Jake with a beer. Jake turns down the stereo a little.
jake
Where’s the beds?
gary
We had to get this furniture, so all the chicks would come here.
joey
So we could all get our big dicks wet.
jake
(firmer)
Where’s the beds?
gary
We had to be a little creative.
jake
(even firmer)
Where’s the beds?
joey
Gary and Bubba are sleeping in the side room and I’m sleeping in the alcove.
jake
And where am I sleeping -- in the bathtub?
joey
Your bed’s in the closet. But it’s a rather large closet.
int. student registration - day
Jake is waiting anxiously at the end of a long line. He sees SARAH GOLDMAN, a small, curvy woman with dark brown hair, in front of an adjoining line. He looks surprised.
jake (vo)
Sarah Goldman.
Sarah walks toward Jake.
jake (vo)
Sarah lived only a short distance from my home. But it could’ve been an eternity.
Sarah passes Jake.
jake
Sarah -- is that you?
Sarah stops and turns to Jake.
sarah
(unenthusiastically)
Oh, hi.
jake
Did you transfer here?
sarah
Yeah. . . . Well, I’ve got to go. See ya around.
Sarah walks away.
jake (vo)
I adored Sarah, despite the impossibility of it. Yes, nihilists fall in love too.
int. hallway - later
Jake dejectedly turns the corner, where Joey, Tom, Gary, Bubba, Sanjay, and a few others are drinking beer. Jake leans up against the wall by Joey.
joey
Get all your classes?
jake
One good thing about being a Philosophy major is never getting bumped from a class. But a weird thing happened.
A short blonde-haired WOMAN walks past them.
joey
Excuse me -- could I ask you a personal question?
She stops and suspiciously turns around.
WOMAN
Maybe.
joey
Do you swallow?
She looks horrified.
WOMAN
What a pig!
joey
Hey now, young lady, you shouldn’t speak to me like that. After all, I’m really rich.
WOMAN
Big bucks don’t impress me.
joey
What about big cocks?
Joey repeatedly grinds his hips toward her while everyone other than Jake cheers.
WOMAN
What a bunch of morons.
tom
I must correct you on that last point; we’re not morons -- we’re sophomorons.
int. tau mu main room - night
Jake is leaning against the wall at a medium-sized party. Loud DANCE MUSIC plays in the background. Gary walks up to Jake, holding two plastic cups, one of which he hands to Jake.
Gary
What do you think?
jake
(shaking his head)
I don’t think so.
gary
Come on -- we’ll both do it. It’ll be fun.
Jake looks into the cup and grimaces.
jake
What is this shit?
gary
Black Night, Black Death Punch. Try it -- it’s pretty good. Especially the fruit.
Jake cautiously takes a sip.
int. jake’s room - later
Jake drunkenly staggers inside.
jake
Come on in.
Jake motions behind himself, but no one is there. He then stumbles into the closet. Moments later, he loudly vomits OFF SCREEN.
int. jake’s closet - later
Bubba enters. Jake is passed out on the bed, covered in VOMIT.
bubba
Jake, what happened?
Jake wakes up.
jake
You should’ve seen it, Bubba. Three guys were here with me, and we were all throwing up together.
int. jake’s room - day
Jake slithers out of the closet with a horrible hangover. Gary is talking on the WALL TELEPHONE. Bubba is studying with WONG, a tall, heavy-set ASIAN man.
gary
(exasperated)
Donna, you’ve got to listen to me. . . . Donna? Donna?
Gary slams the telephone, to the chagrin of Jake, and joins Bubba and Wong. Joey exits the bathroom.
joey
It’s alive!
jake
As Nietzsche said, whatever doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.
joey
I thought G. Gordon Liddy said that.
jake
Same difference.
bubba
It’s too bad neither of them were around to help clean up last night.
jake
I bet your seven-year-old girlfriend would’ve helped.
bubba
She’s fifteen!
Jake sits on the couch, lays his head on his hands, and moans. Bubba turns to Wong and points to an open book.
bubba (cont’d)
Wong, could you help us with this differential equation?
wong
Sure. Five dollar.
gary
What?
wong
Five dollar. This America -- noting free. . . . Hey, I throw in a porno mag.
Tom enters. He looks at Jake and smiles.
Tom
I see you guys had a good time.
Jake moans.
tom (cont’d)
So, are you two gonna join, or do I have to have Joey kill you?
gary
I’m in.
Jake moans.
joey
Take that as a “yes.”
Jake painfully lifts his head.
jake
What?
tom
Trust me -- you guys will always regret this.
int. cafeteria - day
Jake and Joey, both carrying trays of food, sit down next to Gary and Bubba, who are already eating. Gary shakes his head.
gary
I just don’t get it.
joey
What?
gary
Why he won’t pledge.
bubba
My parents say fraternities are paganistic and unchristian.
joey
Actually, Tau Mu is a Christian fraternity.
Jake stops eating and looks at Joey.
gary
Bubba, you’re nineteen -- what does it matter what your parents think?
bubba
(indignitely)
Where I’m from, we still listen to and respect our parents.
ext. street - day
Jake and Bubba stop at a light. They are both carrying books.
bubba
What do you think I should do?
jake
Don’t join. It’s all bullshit.
bubba
So why you doing it?
Jake pauses in thought.
int. jake’s room - dawn
Bubba roughly wakes Joey out of bed.
joey
(drowsily)
What? What is it?
bubba
(firmly)
I want a bid. . . . Fuck my parents.
int. jake’s room - night
Jake, Joey, Gary, and Bubba are putting on jacket and ties.
gary
So, are they gonna spank us with paddles?
joey
Tau Mu is a strictly non-hazing fraternity. . . . At least since the murder conviction.
bubba
So what’s the ceremony like?
joey
All I’ll say is that it’s just a bit weird.
int. tau mu basement - later
Jake, Gary, Bubba, Wong, and AL, a WASP with an athletic build, are standing in a vertical line. Joey removes BLINDFOLDS from their face. The only light is from a LARGE CANDLE.
jake (vo)
When I opened my eyes, I knew I had made a mistake. A big mistake.
Tom, who is wearing a BLACK HOODED ROBE and holding a LARGE BOOK, is standing in front of them. Between them is a table covered by a CONFEDERATE FLAG. A life-size portrait of ROBERT E. LEE is next to the table. The pledges look at each other in disbelief.
tom
On your knees, neophytes.
The pledges kneel. Someone places a LARGE GOLDEN CROSS on the table.
tom (cont’d)
Place your left hand on the cross and your right hand in the air.
The pledges follow the instructions.
tom (cont’d)
Repeat after me.
Tom reads from the book. At the end of each clause, the pledges repeat in unison.
tom and pledges (cont’d)
I, (state your name), do solemnly pledge my honor to the brotherhood of Tau Mu, and my life to the advancement of the Confederacy.
(beat)
During this probationary term, I vow to uphold the traditions, values, and beliefs of the Tau Mu fraternity. And the Confederacy.
(beat)
And doing so, I also pledge to live my life as an honorable Christian, true to the tenets of our Savior, Jesus Christ.
int. tau mu main room - later
Joey is talking with a few people. Jake angrily walks up to him, grabs him by the arm, and drags him to the corner.
jake
(mimicking Joey)
“The ceremony’s just a bit weird.” Weird -- I just took an oath to the Confederacy!
joey
You’ve got nothing to worry about, just as long as the South doesn’t rise again. Now, get me a beer, pledge.
jake
(shaking his head)
I should’ve never pledged this frat.
joey
What did you say, pledge?
jake
What?
joey
You said “frat”! This is not a frat! Tell me, do you call your mother a “moth”?
jake
No.
joey
Do you call your country a “cunt”?
Jake tilts his head in thought.
int. tau mu main room - later
Sanjay is pouring himself a beer from a keg. He smiles when he sees Jake approaching.
sanjay
Congratulations, Jake. Can I get you a beer?
jake
I need two.
Sanjay hands him his beer and pours another.
jake (cont’d)
Sanjay -- can I ask you a question? You’re a Hindu, right?
sanjay
Yeah.
Sanjay hands Jake the second beer.
jake
When you pledged, did it bother you taking a vow to Christ?
sanjay
Remember, it’s not what your mouth says -- it’s what your mind says.
ext. tau mu entrance - later
Jake slowly walks outside, where Tom is talking to CLAYTON, a conservatively-dressed, middle-aged man drinking a beer.
tom
Clay, do you know Jake?
Clayton and Jake shake hands.
jake (vo)
That night, I met Clayton Wilson, the chapter advisor, who was nominally responsible for us -- both physically and morally.
Clayton turns back to Tom.
clayton
I’m sorry, Tom, but I can’t believe this Ann can compare with Belinda.
Gary sneaks up from behind with a pair of HANDCUFFS as Clayton takes a sip.
clayton (cont’d)
I mean, she almost gobbled my entire dick off last year.
Gary places one of the cuffs on the staircase railing and the other around Clayton’s wrist. Clayton is startled.
clayton (cont’d)
What the fuck!
gary
(smiling)
Joey told me I had to do it.
clayton
That motherfucking wop!
int. tau mu back room - night
Joey, standing and holding a BAT (which he intermittently swings), is lecturing the pledges, who are sitting.
jake (vo)
Every Tuesday night, we met in the back room of the house to learn about the fraternity.
joey
Tau Mu was founded in 1862 by Confederate war hero Jeb Taylor. It . . .
jake (vo)
Outside of GW, Tau Mu was exclusively a Southern fraternity. And, at least until recently, exclusionary.
joey
That’s what’s so great about our fraternity.
Joey leans on the bat.
joey (cont’d)
No niggers.
The pledges look uneasily at each other.
int. restaurant - night
Clayton, who is very drunk, is talking to the pledges, who are reading menus.
clayton
Order whatever you’d like. After all, your Uncle Sam’s paying.
Clayton throws a US GOVERNMENT CREDIT CARD on the table.
clayton (cont’d)
One of the perks of the job.
int. restaurant - later
A WAITRESS finishes handing out drinks and leaves. Clayton gives her a lecherous look. He then turns to the pledges.
clayton
So, tell me, have any of you done a little sister yet?
After a pause, Al gingerly raises his hand.
clayton (cont’d)
Which one, Al?
al
Uhh, . . . Ann.
clayton
Good choice. Just the other week, I fucked her up the ass in the back seat of my car.
(to Jake)
Man, she was like a goddamn fucking animal!
Clayton grabs the table and loudly grinds it into his body. The pledges grab their drinks. Clayton’s drink smashes on the floor.
An ELDERLY COUPLE, who are leaving the restaurant, stop and stare at Clayton in horror. When he sees them, he quickly releases the table and smiles.
clayton (cont’d)
You folks have a lovely evening.
The couple leave.
gary
I’ve heard you’ve had sex with a lot of the little sisters.
clayton
Man, I’ve fucked them all. Even ones who have boyfriends in the fraternity.
(to Jake)
It’s kind of like that “right of the first night” thing all those Roman emperors had.
gary
You’ve even fucked Beth?
clayton
Joey’s Beth? Yeah, I’ve nailed her a few times.
Clayton takes a sip of Jake’s drink.
clayton (cont’d)
But while Beth’s certainly not a bad lay, there’s nothing special about getting Joey’s sloppy seconds.
(to Jake)
I mean, you could stick a fucking crowbar in her.
Al clears his throat.
al
Clayton, what’s it like working in the White House?
clayton
I’m glad you asked. It’s been a great honor serving my country.
. . . Because of me, it’s morning in America again.
ext. restaurant - later
Gary and Bubba struggle to put Clayton into a TAXI. The other pledges watch.
clayton
But I’m driving!
Gary and Bubba roughly throw Clayton into the taxi.
int. dad’s car - night
Jake is sitting in the back. Dad and Mom are in the front.
mom
Why in the world would you join a fraternity? They’re nothing but drunks and womanizers.
jake
(whispering)
Exactly.
int. tau mu main room - night
Jake, Gary, and Bubba cautiously enter, each carrying a BAG of CLOTHING. The windows are covered with NEWSPAPER and there is a large BANNER over the entranceway that states: DEATH BEFORE DISHONOR.
int. tau mu main room - later
The pledges nervously stand in the center of the room with their things. A tape of “REVEILLE” is playing. Joey walks toward them. The song ends.
joey
Whenever you hear this song, stop what you’re doing and line up here. Then, drop to your knees and do ten pushups. Is that clear?
pledges
Yes, sir.
joey
I can’t fucking hear you!
pledges
Yes, sir!
joey
Well, what are you waiting for?
The pledges attempt to do pushups, but they’re awful, especially Jake’s.
joey (cont’d)
Jake, you’re pathetic. Give me ten more.
Jake struggles with his extra pushups as Tom walks toward the center of the room.
tom
Gentlemen, welcome to pledge weekend. . . . This weekend will certainly be difficult, but it’ll also be a lot of fun.
Jake collapses on the floor.
tom
At least, for some of you.
Joey hands Tom SIX NECKLACES made of CARDBOARD, MAGIC MARKER, and ROPE.
tom (cont’d)
For the remainder of the weekend, you’ll be addressed only by your new name.
As Tom reads the name off each necklace, he places it around the corresponding pledge’s neck. The brothers intermittently laugh.
tom (cont’d)
(to Wong)
Pledge Willie Wongka.
(to Al)
Pledge Ann’s Bitch.
(to Gary)
Pledge Donna Doesn’t Wanna.
(to Jake)
Pledge Vomiting Jew.
(to Bubbba)
And lastly, pledge . . .
Tom laughs as he tries to read Bubba’s necklace.
tom (cont’d)
Pledge Statutory Rape.
The room erupts in laughter. Bubba is visibly upset.
tom (cont’d)
If you do anything wrong, your necklace will be marked with a strike; and if you receive ten strikes, you’ll be asked to leave.
(to Joey)
I think it’s time to check for contraband.
int. tau mu main room - same
Joey sifts through Al’s bag, holding a BLACK GARBAGE BAG. He takes out a SET of UNDERWEAR.
joey
You don’t need more than one pair of underwear, pledge.
Joey throws the underwear in the garbage bag, and comes to Jake’s bag. Jake notices that it has been opened. Joey smiles as he searches through the bag. He pulls out a LARGE BLACK DILDO.
joey (cont’d)
What have we here?
Joey waves the dildo in Jake’s face.
joey (cont’d)
Pledge Vomiting Jew, why would you bring such a device with you?
jake
(trying not to smile)
I don’t know, sir.
joey
(to the pledges)
If I were one of you guys, I wouldn’t be sleeping so easily tonight.
Joey hands Jake the dildo.
joey (cont’d)
Bring this with you whenever you’re called into line. And make sure to hold it at its base.
tom
I would now like to say something about hazing.
Tom takes a piece of PAPER from his back pocket.
tom (cont’d)
Following court orders, Tau Mu is now a non-hazing fraternity. As such, I’ve written a list of behavior expressly forbidden.
The brothers voice their displeasure after each sentence.
tom (cont’d)
Excessive whipping or chaining.
(beat)
Branding with an iron larger than an inch in diameter.
(beat)
Pushups over human and/or animal feces.
(beat)
The enforced consumption of any beverage containing more than 10 percent rubbing alcohol, or urine.
(beat)
And, of course, genital mutilation of all varieties.
(to the brothers)
Does anyone have anything to add?
sanjay
What about sheep?
tom
No sheep, Brother Sanjay -- regardless of its intended purpose.
(beat)
In fact, why don’t we just expand the ban to include all livestock, shall we?
A solemn expression comes across Tom’s face.
tom (cont’d)
Actually, we define “hazing” as being coerced to do something a brother himself wouldn’t do.
(beat)
If any of you feel you’re being hazed, please see me privately. I promise you, it won’t be tolerated.
tau mu attic - later
Joey leads the pledges up from a ladder.
gary
It’s freezing up here.
joey
There’s plenty of blankets. Just think of it like camping.
gary
That’s just wonderful.
joey
Hey, you assholes should’ve joined last semester. It was nice and warm up here in May.
Joey approaches the ladder.
joey
I expect to see all of you downstairs in ten minutes to clean the entire first floor, including the bathroom.
Joey leaves. Bubba looks at his necklace.
bubba
I can’t believe they named me this.
(to Jake)
Jessie just turned sixteen -- it’s not statutory rape anymore.
“REVEILLE” loudly plays.
gary
They must have speakers wired throughout the whole fucking house!
int. tau mu staircase - same
The pledges are running downstairs. Suddenly, Jake stops.
jake
Shit -- I forgot my dildo!
ext. tau mu house - night
All lights are out. “REVEILLE” plays.
MATCH CUT:
int. tau mu attic - same
The pledges wake up.
gary
There’s no way I’m running down those stairs again.
Moments later, Joey bursts into the attic.
joey
What, are you all fucking deaf! Get your asses downstairs -- now!
int. tau mu main room - later
Joey drunkenly marks Jake’s necklace with its ninth strike.
joey
You guys just don’t know your shit.
Joey stumbles toward the staircase.
joey (cont’d)
Clean this room again and then get some sleep. You’ll need it.
int. tau mu attic - later
The pledges get into bed.
jake
(flippantly)
One more strike, and I’m finished.
gary
Fuck that shit.
jake
What do you mean?
gary
If you go, we all go.
jake
I don’t get it.
gary
(perturbed)
That’s the problem.
int. tau mu back room - day
The pledges are gingerly eating a breakfast of DRY CORN FLAKES and WHEAT GERM. Joey enters carrying CANS of WHITE PAINT. He smiles.
al
Could someone please pass the wheat germ?
int. staircase - later
Jake, who is covered in paint, tries to reach the top of a wall. Joey, who also has paint on him, approaches from behind and gently puts his hand on Jake’s shoulder.
joey
I’ve got it, Jake.
Joey takes the paintbrush. Jake looks surprised.
joey (cont’d)
Why don’t you go downstairs and help Gary.
int. tau mu main room - later
The pledges finish doing pushups and stand up.
gary
(whispering)
I wouldn’t have eaten so many alfalfa sprouts if I knew we’d be doing pushups so soon after lunch.
joey
Time for the scavenger hunt.
Joey reads from a piece of paper.
joey (cont’d)
Among other things, you must get a matchbox from a gay bar, seven unshucked oysters, and two pornographic magazines.
Joey folds the paper.
joey (cont’d)
In regards to the porn, some clarification I feel is necessary.
(beat)
First, the magazines must show full penetration. And secondly, under no circumstances do I want to see any hermaphrodites.
(emphatically)
I hate hermaphrodites. . . . And for those of you unclear what a hermaphrodite is -- basically, it’s a chick with a dick.
ext. foggy bottom metro station - later
Cold and tired-looking Gary, Jake, Bubba, and Wong are waiting. Al runs toward them.
gary
Come on -- we’re almost out of time!
Al hands Gary some items, including two PORNOGRAPHIC MAGAZINES. Gary looks at one of them and erupts in anger.
gary (cont’d)
Al -- you’re just stupidly stupid!
al
What’s wrong?
Gary angrily walks up to Al.
gary
Didn’t you hear what Joey said? No chicks with dicks!
Gary whips open one of the magazines in Al’s face.
gary (cont’d)
Tell me -- what do you think is sticking out of her fucking pussy, you moron?
Bubba grabs the magazine and looks at it in shock.
bubba
I thought Joey was kidding.
Wong looks over Bubba’s shoulder.
wong
You come see my collection. This like Playboy.
int. tau mu main room - later
Joey and a few brothers sift through the scavenger items while the pledges nervously wait.
joey
Wow, you guys got almost everything.
Joey sloppily eats an OYSTER.
int. tau mu staircase - later
The pledges slowly walk upstairs.
joey (os)
Fucking hermaphrodites!
The pledges run.
int. tau mu main room - night
The pledges are standing in a lineup before the brotherhood. Jake stands a few feet in front of them nervously reciting.
jake
A Tau Mu holds honor before all else, honor is . . .
As Jake struggles to remember, Gary steps forward and raises his hand. Tom acknowledges him with a nod.
gary
May I help my brother, sir?
tom
You may.
Jake steps back in surprise.
gary
Honor is his scepter, honor is his . . .
As Gary struggles to remember, Jake steps forward and raises his hand. Tom acknowledges him with a nod.
jake
May I help my brother, sir?
Tom smiles and nods. Gary steps back.
jake (cont’d)
(confidently)
Honor is his shield, without honor . . .
int. tau mu main room - later
Clayton reviews the pledges with a stern, authoritative expression. When he sees Bubba’s pledge name, though, he cracks a smile and puts his hand on Bubba’s shoulder.
clayton
(whispering)
I’m glad no one thought of that name when I pledged. I’m sure I was a whole lot worse than you.
Clayton comes to Jake and immediately grabs the dildo from him.
clayton (cont’d)
Pledge Vomiting Jew, you needn’t carry this anymore.
Clayton indignantly waves the dildo at the brothers.
clayton (cont’d)
Guys, how many times have I told you that this shit isn’t . . .
Clayton pauses, in awe of the length and the width of the dildo.
clayton (cont’d)
Would you guys mind if I borrowed this?
int. tau mu main room - later
Tom is addressing the pledges.
tom
Although we told you this was a dry weekend, for tonight only, you can drink as much as you want. Of course, only if you really want to.
The pledges look at each other uneasily.
int. tau mu attic - later
The pledges, all of whom are visibly drunk, stagger into bed.
jake
You know, they keep calling this an honor fraternity. But really, what the fuck is “honor”?
bubba
They have a whole keg of it downstairs.
int. tau mu attic - later
The pledges are sleeping. Joey drunkenly enters.
joey
Pledge Ann’s Bitch -- get downstairs.
al
What’s going on?
joey
Just get the fuck downstairs!
INT. TAU MU ATTIC - LATER
Al dejectedly enters.
al
It’s your turn, Jake.
jake
What’s going on?
al
An exam. I wasn’t doing so bad, until the question about Stonewall Jackson’s childhood.
int. tau mu attic - later
Jake confidently enters.
jake
They’re just trying to scare us.
gary
It’s working -- Al’s on the verge of tears.
al
Fuck you! You’ve been giving me shit all weekend -- and I’m sick of it!
int. tau mu main room - day
Five unhappy and hungover pledges are eating a breakfast of VIENNA SAUSAGES, GEFILTE FISH, SALT-FREE BORSHT, and DIET CHOCOLATE FUDGE SODA.
Al slowly and painfully eats a large piece of gefilte fish, while the others grimace. Jake quickly gets up and runs to the bathroom holding his mouth.
ext. park - later
Joey, who is holding a FOOTBALL, addresses the pledges.
joey
Before we start the traditional brother-pledge game, I just want to warn you -- I have really bad knees.
(smiling)
It must be from all the times I’ve been on my knees eating pussy, he-he-he.
(sternly)
So, if any of you guys hit me, I’m gonna kill you.
The pledges look uneasily at each other.
int. tau mu hallway - later
Al and Jake are painting the same corner. They are covered in paint.
jake
Think about it -- after all this shit, we still have to pay the hundred-and-fifty-dollar initiation fee.
(beat)
Just great -- a hundred and fifty dollars to buy ten friends.
int. tau mu back room - night
All the pledges except Al nervously wait. They are wearing jacket and ties. Joey, who looks unhappy, enters with Al.
joey
Everyone passed the final exam. Except Al. In ten minutes, he’ll be given another chance. His last.
int. tau mu back room - later
Jake and Bubba are prepping Al.
al
Honor . . . honor . . .
(beat)
I can’t do this!
jake
You can.
Jake looks back at Gary.
jake (cont’d)
It’s all of us or none of us.
int. pub - later
Tom and the rest of the brothers raise beer mugs to the former pledges (including Al), who are sitting at a long table with full beer mugs in front of them. Gary is first.
tom
Most noble and illustrious drinkers, let’s proudly salute our new brothers.
brothers
(singing)
Here’s to brother Gary, brother Gary, brother Gary.
Here’s to brother Gary, who’s with us tonight.
He’s happy, he’s jolly, he’s horny, by golly.
Here’s to brother Gary, who’s with us tonight.
So drink, motherfucker! Drink, motherfucker! Drink, motherfucker! Drink!
Gary chugs his beer.
brothers (cont’d)
Here’s to brother Gary, who’s with us tonight.
int. pub - later
The brothers are heavily drinking.
jake (vo)
After a few rounds of beer, the animosity and discontent that had been building all weekend disappeared.
Gary hugs Al.
jake (vo)
I don’t believe it was just the alcohol. There was a real feeling of brotherhood.
ext. street - later
Jake drunkenly stumbles by himself.
jake (vo)
Walking home that night, I reflected on the weekend.
(beat)
I had been deprived of food and sleep; I had been abused, ridiculed, and demeaned.
(beat)
My arms still intermittently shook from all the pushups, and I had paint on my hands I thought would never come off.
Jake crosses the street and is almost hit by a car.
jake (vo)
Still, I couldn’t help but think -- not unlike Leibniz, who believed we live in the best of all possible worlds -- that this was truly the best of all possible weekends.
Jake collapses on the sidewalk.
int. street - day
Jake confidently walks through a crowd of students. He is wearing a yellow TM jersey.
jake (vo)
Now that I was a Tau Mu, I felt a new respect around campus.
Sarah, who is wearing headphones, passes Jake. Jake smiles.
jake (cont’d)
Hey, Sarah.
Sarah continues walking without acknowledging Jake. Jake’s smile disappears.
jake (cont’d)
Sarah?
int. jake’s room - night
Jake and Gary enter the darkened room.
jake
(sternly)
I’m not going to Fort Lauderdale with you guys.
Jake turns on the light.
gary
Why not?
Jake and Gary are shocked when they see Bubba disheveled, drinking straight from a WHISKEY BOTTLE.
jake
Is something wrong?
Bubba takes a long swig.
bubba
I knocked Jessie up.
int. jake’s room - later
Jake, Gary, and Bubba are sitting on the couch, looking depressed. Gary shakes his head.
gary
I don’t understand.
bubba
What don’t you understand?
gary
I don’t understand why you have to leave school, and I don’t understand why you have to get married.
(beat)
I don’t even understand why you have to have the baby.
bubba
Where I’m from, abortion’s not even an option.
int. tau mu main room - night
A STRIPPER is performing an erotic dance, to the enjoyment of the brothers, who are drinking beer and smoking cigars. Jake and Bubba are standing by the bar. Clayton appears and hugs Bubba.
clayton
Congratulations, big guy.
Clayton turns to the stripper and smiles. He puts his arm around Bubba.
clayton (cont’d)
By the way, she told me for the right price, she’d give you a blow job you’d always remember.
(beat)
What do you say? You could consider it an early wedding present.
bubba
I don’t think so.
clayton
I understand.
Clayton rubs his chin in thought.
clayton (cont’d)
Would you mind if I got the blow job myself?
int. tau mu entrance - day
Jake enters carrying a TUXEDO and a travel bag.
jake
Come on, Joey -- we’re gonna be late!
joey (os)
I’m in here!
int. Tau mu bathroom - same
Joey is standing over the sink scrubbing the black dildo with a WHITE WASHCLOTH. Jake enters.
jake
What are you doing?
joey
Fucking Clayton!
(beat)
He finally gave us back the dildo.
(beat)
All covered in some kind of greasy sex cream.
Joey scrubs the dildo hard.
joey (cont’d)
And no matter how hard I scrub, it just won’t come off.
int. hotel lobby - later
Jake, Joey, and Gary exit the elevator dressed in suits, and slowly approach the rural-looking wedding party, which is waiting on the other side of the lobby.
joey
I didn’t know the Beverly Hillbillies were having a reunion here.
gary
Be careful . . . they might have guns.
int. hotel lobby -- same
Bubba is introducing everyone. He points to JESSIE, a very young-looking girl who is chewing TOBACCO.
bubba
And this here is Jessie.
jessie
Howdy.
Jessie spits tobacco into a Coke can.
int. church - day
Bubba is solemnly sitting in the last pew. Jake, Joey, and Gary enter. Everyone is wearing TUXEDOS.
joey
Feeling a little nervous?
bubba
Nervous? I’m more scared than a hound dog shitting a peach pit.
int. church - later
Tom and few other brothers drunkenly enter. Jake quickly approaches them.
jake
I can’t believe you guys showed up drunk.
tom
Believe it.
int. church - later
A smiling Jessie walks down the aisle wearing a beautiful white WEDDING DRESS.
Joey, who is standing next to Jake near the altar, whispers.
joey
Why does the bride smile when she walks down the aisle?
jake
(unenthusiastically)
Why?
joey
’Cause she knows she’ll never have to give another blow job.
ext. church - later
Bubba, who is teary-eyed, hugs Gary. Joey and Jake watch.
bubba
I’m gonna miss you guys.
gary
You’ll visit, though, right?
bubba
(passionlessly)
Oh, sure. You guys’ll see me there all the time.
Bubba turns and dejectedly walks away. The guys solemnly look at each other.
ext. empire state building - day
A group of birds fly past the top of the building.
jake (vo)
That summer, Joey, through an uncle, got me a job in the Empire State Building.
ext. empire state building entrance - same
Jake is standing against the wall. He looks at his watch.
jake (vo)
The job paid an incredible ten dollars an hour.
Jake enters.
jake (vo)
I couldn’t imagine what they expected in return.
int. empire state building - later
A balding MANAGER in his forties, authoritatively leads Jake to an elevator bank. Both of them are wearing BLUE UNIFORMS.
manager
Stand here.
jake
And do what?
manager
I just told you.
jake
What?
manager
(annoyed)
Stand here!
int. empire state building - day
Jake is standing by an elevator bank, looking very bored. A short fat JANITOR, approaches from OFF-SCREEN.
janitor (OS)
Hey, you!
Jake is visibly startled. The janitor appears.
JANITOR
Let me see your union card.
jake
I have to join a union?
JANITOR
Why do you think you’re getting paid so much? Do you really think they need you standing here?
int. empire state building, service area - day
The door of a MANUAL ELEVATOR opens, with Jake driving. HERB, a large unshaven man is OFF-SCREEN.
jake (vo)
Midway through the summer, I was transferred to the service elevators.
herb (os)
Hey, you!
Jake sheepishly points to himself.
int. empire state building, service area - later
Herb towers over Jake.
herb
(sternly)
So, if they don’t pay you something beforehand, you move them in specially slow. Got it?
jake
I’m not sure. Isn’t this kind of like . . . you know . . . extortion?
herb
Fuck no! . . . Do you have a problem with it?
Jake nervously shakes his head. Herb slowly walks away. CARLOS, a thin, unattractive Hispanic man eating a sandwich, passes Herb and walks toward Jake.
herb (cont’d)
Extortion?
Herb stops and turns back to Jake. He smiles.
herb (cont’d)
Guess that’s one of them big words they learned you at college. Yeah, bet you’re gonna be a lawyer or something.
Herb turns back around and walks away.
herb (cont’d)
Just what this fucking world needs -- another Jew lawyer.
Carlos deeply swallows a piece of his sandwich.
carlos
Jake, have you ever eaten pussy?
int. mitchell hall dorm - day
Many students are coming and going. Jake struggles to carry his suitcase to the reception desk. His appearance is casual and neat.
jake (vo)
Although most of the guys moved into the house junior year, I resisted. Instead, I chose a single in Mitchell dormitory.
Jake sees Sarah in the entranceway.
jake (vo)
It was dull and quiet, but it had its advantages.
A good-looking guy comes up to Sarah and kisses her.
jake (vo)
Or, so I thought.
int. tau mu main room - later
Joey is sitting on a couch drinking a beer and talking to Jake, who is standing by the entranceway.
joey
Amsterdam’s the city of kidz. It’s the only place you can order twin fourteen-year-old girls, blue paint, rope, and a pony.
Joey takes a sip.
joey (cont’d)
And have it put on your hotel bill as “champagne.”
A small, studious-looking WOMAN hesitantly enters.
woman
(nervously)
Excuse me, I’m looking for Wong.
joey
Well, you’ve got two choices. Either A: he’s upstairs working on his computer. Or B: he’s upstairs jacking off.
woman
I see . . . maybe I’ll come back later.
The woman politely smiles and quickly walks backward.
joey
(to Jake)
Man, you should see the funky shit he’s got on his computer. Even I blushed.
int. tau mu basement - later
Jake walks downstairs, where Tom, Sanjay, and a few others are pouring BOTTLES of LIQUOR and KOOL-AID into a large GARBAGE CAN.
tom
It just needs the secret ingredient.
jake
Secret ingredient?
tom
Gentlemen, shall we?
Tom and the brothers encircle the garbage can and urinate into the punch. Jake grimaces.
jake
What if someone gets sick?
tom
We’re not gonna drink it.
sanjay
Sword fight!
Sanjay blushes apologetically. Tom looks down at his jeans, and then indignantly at Sanjay.
tom
Hey -- I just washed these jeans.
int. tau mu main room - night
Jake watches a loud, crowded party. He turns around and sees SETH, a thin, expensively-dressed man pushing a WOMAN by the entranceway. She has the remnants of a black eye.
woman
Please, Seth -- I was just dancing with him.
int. tau mu hallway - later
Jake passes Joey, who is shouting into a PAY TELEPHONE.
joey
Okay -- I’ll be right there.
As Jake reaches the entrance to the back room, a drunken Tom and Dennis stop him.
tom
Jake, maybe you could settle this argument Den and I are having. Who was a bigger existentialist -- Heidegger or Kierkegaard?
int. tau mu back room - later
Jake enters. A group of people are watching a heated argument between Al and KEVIN, an African-American student wearing a Polo shirt and khakis.
al
I can’t believe you’re a Republican!
kevin
Why -- ’cause I’m black?
al
No . . . that’s not what I meant. Kev, the Democrats are the best hope of this country -- the best hope of our future!
kevin
Not even you can tell me things aren’t a whole lot better now than they were six years ago.
al
Better? Is it better spending billions of dollars on defense when we can already destroy the world forty times over?
kevin
(smiling)
Al, . . . peace through strength.
int. tau mu main room - later
Jake is staggeringly drunk amongst a large crowd of dancers.
jake
One more time!
Two brothers lift Jake off the ground, parallel to the floor. Dennis puts the end of a long FUNNEL into Jake’s mouth and pours a beer into the other end. The entire beer shoots back through Jake’s nose over the crowd. The crowd cheers.
When they let Jake down, he runs to the GARBAGE CAN in the hallway and vomits.
TWO FBI AGENTS burst through the door, displaying their BADGES.
first agent
FBI!
int. tau mu main room - later
The brothers are sitting anxiously. Tom solemnly enters.
gary
What do they want?
tom
Wong.
Two other FBI agents walk downstairs, each carrying a LARGE STACK of MAGAZINES.
tom (cont’d)
That’s Wong’s porno collection they’re taking away.
int. tau mu entranceway - same
The first agent, who is carrying a NOTEPAD, walks downstairs and approaches the second agent, who is holding a list.
first agent
Is everyone here?
second agent
(looking at list)
Everyone but Wong and a . . . Joseph Gotti.
first agent
Gotti? You don’t think he’s related to . . .
int. tau mu main room - later
The first agent is addressing the brothers.
first agent
Wong is wanted in a case relating to electronic fraud.
tom
Electronic fraud?
first agent
We suspect he’s been using other people’s credit card numbers to access certain computer services.
tom
Computer services?
The first agent puts on his GLASSES and looks at his notepad.
first agent
Fudge Packing Mamas, Those Big Black Studs, and . . . Little Boys with Big Mouths.
tom
Sounds like Wong is a very confused young man.
The room erupts in laughter.
first agent
Hey -- your friend’s in serious trouble.
tom
I’m sorry, but that was purely an observation. I’m a Psychology major -- I know about these things.
int. tau mu entranceway - later
As Jake approaches the door, the pay telephone rings. Jake walks over and picks it up.
jake
Hello?
(excited)
Where are you?
(beat)
Okay. Okay.
ext. alley - later
Jake cautiously enters.
jake
(whispering)
Joey?
joey (os)
Here!
ext. alley - same
Joey is breaking computer diskettes. Jake looks at him in shock.
jake
What are you doing?
Joey throws diskettes at Jake.
joey
Here -- start smashing!
jake
What are they?
joey
Wong’s on the lam. He gave me these diskettes to destroy.
(beat)
Well, what are you waiting for?
jake
I . . . I don’t want anything to do with this.
Joey grabs Jake.
joey
Do it!
ext. tau mu house - day
Wong, flanked by FBI agents, is in handcuffs. The brothers look on.
wong
You guys were the first people here who treated me like normal person. I’m sorry I shamed you.
The agents lead Wong away.
jake (vo)
Wong got probation. And eventually, would start Willie Wongka’s Asian Sex Factory.
on a computer monitor
Willie Wongka’s Asian Sex Factory is the pornographic Web site Jake was looking at in the beginning of the screenplay. Wong’s smiling face is prominently displayed on the bottom of the screen.
jake (vo)
And is now so rich he can afford all those great computer services on his very own account.
int. tau mu main room - night
Jake and Al enter. A drunken Joey is sitting alone drinking beer and watching a PORNOGRAPHIC VIDEO.
int. tau mu main room - same
Al pours a couple of beers from a keg while talking to Jake.
al
I know Ann’s got a reputation, but I don’t care. She’s all I think about. I . . . I love her. She --
joey
Too bad, I did her! He-he-he.
Joey collapses on the floor, spilling an entire beer.
jake (vo)
Joey was quite complex.
int. tau mu main room - day
Jake and Joey are watching television. BETH, a short, modestly attractive woman with curly brown hair, runs inside.
jake (vo)
He was a racist, a thug, a womanizer.
Joey quickly gets up and he and Beth run upstairs.
jake (vo)
And at times, seemed to personify sin. He was debauchery, decadence, and defecation.
Large PAINT CHIPS fall on Jake accompanied by a LOUD BANGING SOUND in the BACKGROUND.
jake (vo)
But there was always a light of decency within him, constantly fighting to penetrate the muck.
int. tau mu main room - day
Jake and Joey are watching television with a few others. Beth, who is sitting next to Joey, is nearly in tears.
Beth
You’ve got to do something, Joey. Seth keeps beating her.
joey
(flippantly)
Even in bed?
Beth
(angrily)
What kind of question is that?
joey
What do you want me to do, Beth? Tell her to stop seeing him.
Beth
I tried -- she won’t listen!
Beth gently grabs Joey’s arm. A few tears roll down her cheek.
Beth (cont’d)
Please, Joey. He beat her bad last night. Real bad.
int. tau mu main room - later
Joey nonchalantly enters, carrying a SIX PACK of BEER.
Beth
(frantically)
Well -- did you talk to him?
joey
(calmly)
Talk to whom?
Beth
Seth!
joey
Oh, yes -- Seth.
Joey sits down and opens a beer.
joey
Seth and I had a nice little chat.
Joey takes a sip of beer.
joey (cont’d)
That is, after I broke his hand. You know, I really don’t think he’s gonna be hitting her again.
int. tau mu main room - night
Jake and Joey, who is quite drunk, are sitting next to each other on the couch watching television, along with Tom and a few others. Beth enters.
jake (vo)
But these moments were usually fleeting.
beth
(angrily)
Joey, we’re not spending another Saturday night swilling beer and watching TV.
joey
(calmly)
We’re not, but I am.
beth
Joey, you’re taking me out to dinner.
joey
What would be the point of that?
beth
I hope you die.
joey
I hope you get pregnant.
She storms toward the front door. At the entranceway, she stops and turns back.
beth
Don’t think you can’t be replaced.
joey
You’d have to find yourself an awfully big tire iron, baby.
She leaves.
tom
Joey, is it true you have a thirteen-inch penis, fully erect?
joey
Well, I did measure it once with one of those foot-long wooden rulers.
(beat)
But while it was certainly larger than the ruler, thirteen inches is an approximation only.
jake
What if she doesn’t come back this time?
Joey puts his arm around Jake. Jake meekly grimaces.
joey
Let me tell you something, Jake: one of the truly great things about vagina is that just about half the world’s population has one.
(beat)
So, it’s hardly a scarce resource.
jake (vo)
I don’t know how I was talked into spending spring break with these morons.
int. joey’s car - day
Joey is driving an OLD DODGE CONVERTIBLE (the top is up) with Tom in the front, while Gary, Jake, and Tom are squeezed together in the back. Jake is in the center and looks very uncomfortable.
jake
How long is it to Fort Lauderdale?
joey
Only twenty hours.
int. joey’s brother’s dorm - night
Joey’s TWIN BROTHER PAUL shows Jake, Joey, Gary, Al, and Tom inside. Paul is dressed similarly to Joey.
jake (vo)
Fortunately, we split the trip into two days by stopping at Joey’s twin brother’s dorm.
gary
I guess people must have a hard time telling you two apart.
paul
Not really. We’re not exact twins, you know. My dick’s bigger.
joey
Maybe by a shade.
paul
(to Joey)
A shade, my ass. It’s at least an inch bigger -- and you know it.
(to Gary)
Mine’s fatter too.
joey
Well, if it is, it’s only because you masturbated more when we were growing up.
paul
That could be. That could very well be.
int. joey’s brother’s dorm - later
Jake, who is sleeping on the floor, wakes up. Joey and Paul, the only two awake, tip their beers to one another.
joey
To Tony.
paul
To Tony -- rest in peace.
joey
He might, but I never will.
ext. joey’s car, fort lauderdale - later
The guys (except Gary) are stopped at a light on the strip, which is packed with drunken teenagers. Gary quickly jumps inside with a case of beer, just as the light changes.
joey
Gentlemen, welcome to Sodom and Gomorrah.
int. motel room - later
The guys are unpacking their things in the rundown room. Jake is in the bathroom OFF SCREEN.
jake (os)
My God!
Jake enters, his face BRIGHT RED.
jake
How could I get this burnt just on the ride down?
int. bar - night
The guys, other than Jake, are dancing among the crowd. Jake is sitting at a table next to a DRUNKEN WOMAN.
jake
Where do you go to school?
DRUNKEN WOMAN
Fun is the best thing to have.
jake
How long you staying?
DRUNKEN WOMAN
Fun is the best thing to have.
int. motel room - later
Joey drunkenly stumbles into the room. Gary turns on the light. Jake groans.
al
Did you get laid?
joey
No.
gary
What went wrong -- couldn’t you close the deal?
joey
I couldn’t get her wet enough.
tom
That’s so lame.
joey
Listen, for a woman to take the full size of my girth, there simply has to be sufficient moisture.
gary
I guess that means you don’t get much anal sex, eh?
joey
Well, I tried it once with Beth, but I couldn’t get much more than my head inside.
(beat)
And believe me, after years of extremely unorthodox use, Beth doesn’t exactly have what you would call a tight anus.
ext. pool - day
The guys, who are wearing TM JERSEYS, are drinking beer at a table. Jake has SUN BLISTERS on his face.
gary
(to Jake)
Man, you look sexy.
BILL, a stocky man also wearing a TM jersey, pushes his way through the crowd toward them. He smiles.
bill
You guys Tau Mu?
ext. pool - later
The guys and Bill are drinking together.
bill
I didn’t even know we had a chapter that far north. . . . Bet you got a lot of problems up there with your niggers, eh?
Bill takes a sip while the guys, other than Joey, uneasily look at each other.
bill (cont’d)
That’s what’s great about Tau Mu -- no niggers.
Joey tips his cup to Bill’s.
bill (cont’d)
Well, apart from the few we let in after that Jew-ACLU lawsuit.
(beat)
Shit, if there’s anything I hate more than niggers, it’s got to be those money-grubbing, cocksucking Jews.
(to Jake)
I mean, of all the mud people, they’ve got to be the worst.
jake
Yeah, I know what you mean.
(beat)
And what’s worse, unlike other mud people, you could be standing in front of one of those cocksuckers without even knowing it.
bill
Bullshit. They all got these big, fucking crooked noses. . . . No, they ain’t like us at all.
ext. convertible - day
The car turns onto the highway. Jake is squeezed in between Gary and Al, and looks miserable.
jake (vo)
When the week ended, I vowed never to return to Florida.
int. fast food restaurant - night
The guys are finishing dinner. Joey is sitting across from Jake.
joey
You know, if we got off the next exit and went due west, we’d be heading directly toward Arkansas.
jake
I hope there’s no point to this.
joey
I have this thing about Arkansas. I mean, do we really know it exists?
jake
What do you mean -- does Arkansas exist? Of course it exists!
joey
Really? Have you been there?
jake
No.
joey
Do you know anyone who’s been there?
jake
No.
joey
Exactly. What do you guys say to a little detour?
gary
How little?
joey
Theoretically, about seven hours.
gary
Seven hours?
jake
What you really mean is fourteen hours.
joey
Theoretically.
al
I’ve got to be back tomorrow.
joey
The only difference is that we’ll be back tomorrow night instead of tomorrow morning. Come on -- let’s take a vote.
tom
You know, think of what a discovery we’d be making if Arkansas really didn’t exist.
gary
I’m sorry -- but personally, I feel pretty confident about Arkansas’s existence.
joey
What do you think, Jake?
jake
You’re insane.
joey
Aren’t you the least bit curious?
jake
No.
Joey looks at Jake with sad, puppy dog eyes.
joey
Please.
Jake shakes his head.
jake
I must be crazier than you.
Joey leaps across the table and kisses Jake on the cheek. Jake pushes him off.
joey
If you were a chick, I’d let you suck my dick right now.
ext. arkansas border - dawn
The car is on the side of the road beneath a SIGN that states: WELCOME TO ARKANSAS . . . BILL CLINTON, GOVERNOR. Joey and Tom are in the front seat staring out into the distance. The others are sleeping in the back.
Jake wakes up.
jake
So, Arkansas exists.
Joey slowly nods.
jake (cont’d)
(sarcastically)
Fun is the best thing to have.
ext. jake’s house - day
A mail truck leaves.
int. jake’s house - same
Jake, who has a preppy look and feel, opens a MANILA ENVELOP.
jake (vo)
That summer, I was surprised when I received an envelop from Clayton.
Jake pulls out a 8 X 10 PHOTOGRAPH.
int. jake’s kitchen - same
Mom is cooking. Jake runs in. He’s a little excited as he shows her the photograph. Mom looks at the AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE of RONALD REAGAN and grimaces.
mom
What are you gonna do with it? It’s too thick for toilet paper.
Mom returns to cooking while Jake stares at the photograph.
jake (vo)
To paraphrase Twain, when I was eighteen, I thought Reagan was an idiot . . . and a fascist.
(beat)
But by the time I was twenty-one, I was surprised how smart he had become.
int. empire state building - day
Jake shakes hands with Carlos. They are both wearing uniforms.
carlos
So, when will you be back?
jake
I’m graduating this year -- so I won’t be back.
Carlos smiles and shakes his head.
carlos
That’s what they all say. You’ll be back. . . . You’ll be back.
Jake looks perturbed.
int. jake’s bedroom - day
Jake is packing. He looks under his bed and finds a dog-eared copy of THE LETTERS OF SACCO AND VANZETTI. He tosses it into the garbage.
ext. tau mu house - day
Dad’s car pulls up in front.
jake (vo)
Senior year, I decided to live in the house.
Jake, Dad, and Mom exit the car. Jake confidently carries his suitcase. Mom carefully looks at the house.
jake (vo)
My parents were very excited about it.
mom
What a dump!
int. tau mu bathroom - later
Jake leads Dad and Mom inside.
jake
And this is the bathroom.
Mom closes the door.
mom
Jacob, you’re not living here.
jake
What do you mean, I’m not living here? I am living here.
mom
You’re not living here!
(beat)
This place, . . . it’s falling apart, it’s an absolute pigsty, and it just reeks with the smell of rotting beer.
jake
I am living here. And I happen to like the smell of rotting beer!
Dad puts his hand on Mom’s shoulder. They argue.
jake (vo)
Fortunately, my father was on my side. I think Dad actually liked the house. But he loved the price.
ext. tau mu house - later
Jake, Dad, and Mom exit. Mom turns back.
Mom
Look, there isn’t even a mezuzah on the door!
(to Dad)
How can our son live in a house that doesn’t have a mezuzah on the door?
Dad lovingly grabs her and leads her to the car.
jake (vo)
My mother wasn’t the only one who questioned my living arrangements.
ext. joey’s convertible, HIGHWAY - dusk
Tom and Jake are in the back seat and Gary is sitting next to Joey in the front. The car’s top is down.
jake (vo)
I had serious doubts about the effect my new environment would have on me.
Joey chugs an entire CAN of BEER, squishes the can, and tosses it back out the car. The car behind them loudly applies its brakes OFF SCREEN. Joey opens another beer.
gary
Joey, are you okay to drive?
joey
My driving actually improves the more I drink.
tom
Then, how come you got that ticket for DWI this summer?
joey
I would’ve never gotten pulled over . . . if I hadn’t been doing eighty in a forty-mile-an-hour zone.
gary
I don’t understand. If they arrested you for DWI, didn’t they suspend your driver’s license?
joey
Sure did -- for six months.
gary
Doesn’t that mean you can’t drive right now?
joey
No. It only means I can’t get caught.
Tom puts his hand in his pocket, pulls out a BAG of MARIJUANA, and smiles.
tom
If we only had some paper, . . .
joey
I’ve got some tinfoil in the glove compartment.
ext. joey’s convertible - later
Tom hands a LARGE TINFOIL JOINT and a LIGHTER to the front.
tom
The tinfoil gets a little hot, but other than that it works fine.
gary
I don’t want it.
joey
Good -- then hold it for me.
Gary reluctantly takes the joint and the lighter.
gary
Are you sure you want to do this while you’re driving?
joey
Just light it for me and hold it to my mouth.
Gary puts the joint near Joey’s mouth and lights it. Joey takes a deep, accentuated drag.
The car immediately swerves from the left lane of the three-lane highway to the right lane, before spinning in a complete circle. Joey gets control of the car and pulls it over to the shoulder. Everyone other than Joey is in shock. Joey calmly turns back.
joey (cont’d)
Maybe someone else should drive.
int. pub - night
Jake, who is wearing a TAU MU JERSEY, nods to the BARTENDER at the bar.
jake
Could I get a beer?
Jake turns to his left and sees Sarah sitting next to him, talking to a few FRIENDS. The bartender hands him a beer.
bartender
Here you go, Jake.
Sarah turns to Jake and smiles.
sarah
Hey, how are you doing?
Jake looks behind himself before turning back to Sarah. He looks surprised.
jake
Okay. And yourself?
sarah
Fine. Do you come here often?
jake
Too often. My fraternity brothers like it.
Sarah notices his jersey and looks surprised.
sarah
You’re a Tau Mu? That’s strange.
jake
Why?
Sarah leans toward him and whispers.
sarah
They hate Jews, don’t they?
jake
That’s not true. They only hate blacks.
Jake smiles. Sarah grins, somewhat embarrassed.
sarah
Okay, but many people have told me that Tau Mu is the anti-Semitic fraternity on campus.
One of Sarah’s friends taps Sarah on her shoulder. Sarah turns to her.
friend
Sarah, we’re leaving.
sarah
Okay -- but if you don’t mind, I’m gonna stay here awhile.
Jake smiles to himself. Sarah’s friends leave. Sarah turns back to Jake. Jake’s smile quickly disappears.
sarah
How long have we known each other?
jake
I think we’ve been going to the same school since junior high. But of course, we met at that YMHA day camp.
sarah
That was so long ago.
jake
Hey -- remember all those great songs we sang on the bus?
sarah
Not really.
jake
Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten the Jewish camp version of “WHEN THE SAINTS COME MARCHING IN”?
(singing off-key)
When bus four comes rolling in,
When bus four comes rolling in.
I want to be on that number,
When bus four comes rolling in.
Gary walks by, raising his fist as he leans toward them.
gary
Go bus four!
Gary leaves. Sarah covers her eyes in embarrassment.
sarah
Oh, my God! I do not know you!
int. pub - later
Sarah is smiling warmly at Jake. Jake blushes.
sarah
Can I ask you a personal question? When we were younger, you had a crush on me, didn’t you?
jake
I still have a crush on you. I mean, you can never get over a crush. It remains forever unrequited.
sarah
I never thought of it that way.
jake
Sarah . . . Sarah, would you like to have dinner with me next Friday?
She looks stunned.
int. tau mu entranceway - night
Jake walks downstairs wearing a WHITE BUTTON-DOWN OXFORD, KHAKIS, and a PREPPY-LOOKING TIE. At the bottom of the stairs, he runs into Gary and DONNA, who enter hand-in-hand.
gary
Look at you -- you must have a date. . . . You Klingon-Jew bastard!
donna
Leave him alone -- he looks so cute.
jake
(facetiously)
Thanks, Donna.
gary
Is it with that chick from the other night? That “Bus Four” song must’ve really gotten to her.
int. tau mu main room - day, october 19, 1987
The entire brotherhood is glued to the television, where TWO MEN are conversing.
first man
What effect do you think the stock market crash will have on employment?
second man
It could have a dramatic effect. On hiring in particular. Especially if the crash precipitates a recession.
tom
Well, guys, the party’s ending
. . . just as we were arriving.
Jake looks at Tom solemnly.
int. restaurant - night
Jake and Sarah are sitting at a table.
jake
Sarah, if by chance, one of your high school friends were to walk in the door, would you feel proud?
(beat)
Or, would you feel somewhat embarrassed?
sarah
Of course I wouldn’t be embarrassed. You’re completely different than you were in high school.
ext. dorm hall - later
Jake and Sarah stop by the front steps.
jake
What did you think of the stock market crash?
sarah
The what?
jake
You know, the greatest one-day drop in the history of the stock market. You can’t tell me you didn’t hear about it.
sarAH
Yeah, I guess I did. But it doesn’t affect me. I don’t own any stocks.
Sarah reaches for her keys in her purse. She then turns to Jake and smiles.
sarah
So, would you like to come in?
Jake looks stunned.
int. sarah’s room - morning
Jake and Sarah are in bed together. He gently brushes her hair away from her sleeping face. He smiles.
jake
(whispering)
I can’t believe anything is better than this. Not even an Old Milwaukee.
Sarah wakes up.
sarah
Did you say something?
int. dorm hall cafeteria - later
Jake and Sarah are having brunch.
sarah
Why don’t you spend Thanksgiving at my house.
jake
I don’t know. Thanksgiving is an important holiday for my parents.
sarah
Please, Jake. My father is always so critical of the guys I date, but I know he’ll like you.
(beat)
You’re a lot more substantial than the other guys I’ve brought home.
Jake looks confused.
ext. highway - day
A small red BMW speeds past a sign that states: ENTERING NEW JERSEY.
INT. CAR - SAME
Jake quickly up-shifts. He turns to Sarah and smiles.
jake
I’ve never driven a car like this.
sarah
How come your parents don’t get you a car?
jake
I guess they prefer spending their money on more foolish things -- like food, clothing, shelter.
sarah
I’m sorry.
jake
Hey, being middle-class is nothing to be ashamed of.
Sarah puts on a pair of SUNGLASSES and leans back.
sarah
I guess.
int. jake’s house - later
Sarah shakes Mom’s hand. Jake and Dad look on.
sarah
It was nice meeting you, too.
(to Jake)
See you tomorrow.
Sarah leaves. Mom smiles, raises her hands, and looks up.
mom
She’s Jewish!
jake
I already told you she was Jewish.
Mom hugs and kisses Jake.
mom
Mazeltov, Jacob! Mazeltov!
ext. sarah’s house - night
Jake stands at the doorstep of a large, expensive house.
jake (vo)
That evening, I felt like a fish in waters it knew it had no business being.
Jake rings the doorbell.
int. sarah’s house, dining room - later
BEN, a distinguished-looking man in his late forties, is sitting at the head of an overly large table. KIM, a woman of the same age, who clearly has had facial surgery, is sitting opposite Ben. Jake and Sarah are facing each other.
A WAITER, who is wearing a WHITE UNIFORM and WHITE GLOVES, serves SOUP.
kim
You know, Jake, I usually cook Thanksgiving dinner myself. We certainly don’t want to appear like those idle rich.
(smiling)
But as this Thanksgiving is special, . . .
ben
Tell me, Jake, what’s your major?
jake
(weakly)
Philosophy.
Ben chokes on his soup.
ben
What did you say?
jake
(firmly)
Philosophy. I’m a Philosophy major.
ben
Are you telling me they still teach philosophy?
sarah
Daddy, you promised to be nice.
Ben smiles.
ben
Actually, it’s refreshing to see a young person take an interest in the humanities. I was a Russian Literature major myself.
(beat)
Today, though, students don’t realize the value of a balanced education.
(to Sarah)
Take my daughter, for instance.
(to Jake)
You know, you could ask her anything about marketing, and she’d give you the right answer. But, what if you were to ask her who wrote the Inferno?
(to Sarah)
My bet is she wouldn’t know, but would probably tell you that Paul Newman and Steve McQueen starred in the film version.
sarah
No I wouldn’t, Daddy. I’ve never even seen that movie.
Ben chuckles. Jake tries hard not to smile.
int. sarah’s house, study - later
Ben pours Jake a glass of EXPENSIVE COGNAC. They are alone.
ben
Tell me, what are your plans for that Philosophy degree?
Ben sits down across from Jake. Jake takes a nervous sip.
jake
If you had asked me a few years ago, I’d have told you I wanted to become the next Nietzsche.
ben
(surprised)
Nietzsche? You know, when I was your age, my plan was to sneak into Siberia and write the next great Russian novel.
(beat)
I used to tell friends that I’d be the first Jew to go to Siberia willingly.
jake
So, what happened?
ben
I met Sarah’s mother. And a few weeks later, that dream was over. But it was replaced by an even better one, one that’s been fully realized.
(beat)
But I’ve interrupted you. You were telling me your plans.
jake
I . . . I really don’t have any.
int. kitchen - same
Kim and Sarah are timidly looking down at something.
sarah
I think it goes in there.
Sarah points to the dishwasher dispenser. Kim is holding a box of detergent.
kim
How do you know?
sarah
I saw it on television once.
. . . Why’d you send the staff home early?
kim
Sarah, don’t be so bourgeois.
Kim awkwardly pours the detergent.
int. study - same
Ben pours Jake another glass of cognac.
ben
I’m a management consultant. What we do is help companies restructure and become more efficient.
(beat)
And the potential for our company is enormous. Especially because of the stock market crash.
(beat)
The crash is one of many impetuses that’ll force large and inefficient companies to change.
Ben sits down.
ben (cont’d)
While I’m pretty sure you’ve never considered a career in consulting, perhaps it’s something you might want to think about.
jake
But I don’t know the first thing about consulting.
ben
Do you think your classmates who are majoring in business do? . . . Experience is everything, and experience is the only thing.
Ben takes a sip.
ben (cont’d)
So, how do you get the experience? Well, my company has a special program for new graduates. And I just may be able to get you in.
jake
I don’t get it. You just met me a few hours ago. How can you be so sure I’d cut it?
ben
Jake, I’m a very good judge of character.
jake (vo)
I knew what he was saying was bullshit, but I couldn’t help myself. The lure was bright and colorful, and I wanted it.
Ben takes a sip.
ben
Jake, my daughter is very special to me -- more special than anything else. One day, perhaps, you’ll understand me.
(beat)
I want to make certain she’ll be taken care of.
jake
I don’t know what to say.
ben
I think Dostoevsky said it best when he wrote that there are two types of people: ordinary and extraordinary.
(beat)
While ordinary people are content with the basic necessities of life, extraordinary people are those few with the boldness and the vision to change the world.
(beat)
What you need to ask yourself is, “What type of person is Jake Stein?”
ext. sarah’s house, driveway - later
Jake and Sarah break their embrace. Sarah smiles.
sarah
Finally, someone he likes! . . . Hey, tomorrow my parents will be shopping all day. So, why don’t you come over around noon.
She plays with his hair. Jake blushes.
sarah (cont’d)
And then, in the evening, we can all go to services together.
jake
You mean, Temple?
sarah
Is there a problem?
jake
It’s just that there’s always so many Jews there.
sarah
That wasn’t funny. First you belong to that anti-Semitic fraternity and now this.
int. jake’s house - later
Jake is talking with Dad.
dad
I’m not so sure consulting is such a great profession.
Dad sticks up his leg and points to his shoe.
dad (cont’d)
Take shoes, for example.
dad and jake
Everyone needs shoes.
dad
Exactly. . . . But I don’t even know what consultants do, let alone know if anyone needs them.
int. tau mu entranceway - night
Jake enters. Gary greets Jake.
gary
Hi, are you interested in pledging?
jake
Funny.
gary
I’m serious -- you’re hardly here anymore. You don’t even sleep here most of the time.
int. tau mu main room - later
Twenty brothers are gathered.
tom
Next nomination.
al
I’d like to nominate Kevin Robinson.
joey
You’re not talking about that nig from your crew team?
al
No, I’m talking about Kevin -- a black guy from my crew team.
Joey, visibly upset, looks around the room for support.
joey
Hey, you guys know me -- I’m all for tolerance. Hell, we’ve got Hebs, Mics, . . .
(to Sanjay)
Even a fucking Indian.
(beat)
But allowing a nigger . . .
al
I’m really tired of your filthy racist mouth!
joey
You little Greenwich snot! What do you know about shit?
int. tau mu main room - night
The brothers, who are wearing suits, mingle. Jake nervously congratulates Kevin, who has a solemn expression.
jake
What did you think?
kevin
(angrily)
That shit about the Confederacy was unbelievable.
(smiling)
I had to bite my tongue.
Joey, who is standing in the corner by himself, wearing a sweat suit, stares at Kevin.
int. marvin center cafeteria - day
Jake and Sarah are having lunch.
sarah
You haven’t made plans for Passover yet, have you?
jake
Yeah -- there’s gonna be a big block party on fraternity row.
sarah
You’re not going home for Passover?
jake
I never go home for Passover.
sarah
(upset)
So, you’re gonna spend Passover with your drunken, racist friends instead of with me.
(beat)
As if it weren’t bad enough all the time you’ve been spending with them lately.
jake
If it were a question of spending time with you, or my drunken, racist friends, I’d choose you.
(beat)
Seders and Temple, though, are something entirely different.
Sarah angrily rushes out of the cafeteria.
int. Marvin center lobby - same
Jake catches up with Sarah and grabs her.
jake
It’s just one lousy weekend.
sarah
I see now that you’re as anti-Semitic as your friends. You’re
. . . you’re just like the Jews who worked for the Nazis in the concentration camps.
jake
Don’t you think you’re exaggerating, just a little?
sarah
I don’t want to see you again.
Jake
(frantically)
You’re gonna break up with me over a stupid thing like this?
ext. fraternity row - day
Jake is sitting alone on a stoop during a block party. Kevin approaches and hands him a beer.
kevin
Who is she?
jake
Excuse me?
kevin
I know that look. Empirically.
(smiling)
Or, as you philosophers say, “a priori.”
jake
You mean, “a posteriori.”
kevin
The girl?
jake
My girlfriend -- she broke up with me. And she won’t even talk to me.
kevin
Do you really want her back?
Jake nods.
kevin (cont’d)
Well, my friend -- do something to show her how you feel.
(smiling)
Something wild, spontaneous -- romantic. Something that shows thought -- innovation, if you will.
After a brief pause, Jake smiles.
jake
And I shall.
int. mitchell hall hallway - night
Jake confidently knocks on Sarah’s door, carrying a PORTABLE STEREO.
jake
Sarah, it’s me.
sarah (os)
I told you I don’t want to see you anymore.
jake
I’m not leaving until we talk.
sarah (os)
I’m calling security.
Jake presses the play button and sings off-key along with HALL & OATS’ “SARA SMILE.” People open their doors and smile at Jake.
jake
(singing off-key)
’Cause it’s you and me forever
. . .
Sarah opens her door and quickly drags Jake inside.
int. sarah’s room - same
Sarah and Jake are facing each other.
sarah
Have you completely lost your mind?
jake
Yes. . . . I know we can work things out.
sarah
I just don’t see how. I . . .
Jake takes out a small GIFT-WRAPPED BOX from his jacket pocket and hands it to her.
Sarah gingerly opens it and finds a GOLD STAR OF DAVID NECKLACE.
sarah (cont’d)
It’s beautiful.
jake
Can I put it on you?
Sarah nods. He slowly puts it on her in front of a MIRROR.
jake (cont’d)
I love you. . . . You know, I was wondering if you have plans for the High Holidays.
sarah
(smiling)
It’s not for another six months.
int. sarah’s room - later
Jake and Sarah are in bed, embraced in a kiss. She suddenly and angrily pushes him away.
jake
What’s wrong?
sarah
Jake Stein -- how did you know I love that song?
int. tau mu hallway - night
Jake, who is wearing a suit and tie, is about to knock on Joey’s door when he hears the answering machine go off. Joey’s mother’s voice is raw and brittle.
joey’s mother (vo)
Joey, it’s Mommy. Baby, I really need to talk to you. . . . I know it’s been four years, but I still miss Tony.
(angrily)
But don’t you worry, the niggers who did it will get theirs. I promise you.
int. restaurant - later
Jake and Sarah are together. Jake is paying the bill.
jake
I can’t believe you agreed to go tonight.
sarah
I guess I can stand one fraternity event. But if I see one Swastika
. . .
jake
Don’t worry -- we keep them well hidden.
int. tau mu semi-formal - later
At the end of a dance, Jake and Sarah break their embrace. Sarah smiles.
sarah
I’ll be back in a minute.
She walks away. Kevin walks up and puts his arm around Jake’s shoulder.
kevin
I see everything’s cool.
jake
Thanks -- I owe you.
kevin
Come pledge weekend -- please remember that.
int. tau mu semi-formal - later
Jake and Sarah are leaving. A small group of brothers are gathered by the entrance, including Kevin and Joey.
kevin
(to Joey)
Your family owns that restaurant?
joey
Yeah.
kevin
(shaking his head)
Man, you serve the best fucking prime rib.
Joey smiles proudly.
int. library - day
Jake sifts through a stack of books on management consulting. Doug, the tall, blond-haired man whom he met freshman year, sees him.
doug
Hey -- Black Flag!
student (os)
Sshhh!
doug
(whispering)
Hey -- Black Flag!
jake
Doug? I haven’t seen you in years.
doug
I’ve been an exchange student. What’s up with you? Are you still a nihilist?
jake
Not quite.
doug
You sure look different. Are you graduating Sunday?
jake
I certainly hope so.
doug
Then what?
jake
I’ve got a real good shot with a management consulting firm.
doug
Management consulting?
(shaking his head)
Shit -- four years ago, you were this wacky-looking nihilist who was into Black Flag.
(beat)
But look at you now -- you’ve sold out to become just another faceless cog in the corporate machine.
jake
(perturbed)
What do you mean, I’ve sold out? I was a nihilist -- I didn’t believe in anything.
doug
Well, believing in nothing is still believing in something.
(perplexed)
I think.
int. jake’s room - night
As Jake finishes dressing, he carefully looks at himself in the mirror.
jake (vo)
I tried not to let what Doug said bother me. But it did.
int. tau mu entranceway - same
Jake walks down the staircase.
jake (vo)
But once the hook is in the mouth, . . .
As he approaches the front door, he hears PEOPLE TALKING in the back room. He stops and turns around.
int. tau mu back room - same
Jake inconspicuously looks inside as Joey and Bill, the guy Jake and Joey met in Florida, play DARTS (it is Joey’s turn.)
bill
How do you put up with it, Joey?
joey
Put up with what?
bill
Having that nigger in your house.
joey
(curtly)
What did you say?
bill
What do you mean?
joey
What did you say?
Bill doesn’t reply, and is visibly nervous as Joey slowly walks toward him. Joey effortlessly and calmly picks Bill up by the collar and lifts him into the air with one hand.
jake (vo)
Joey reminded me of Bismarck, indignantly raising his would-be assassin after being shot.
joey
Don’t ever use that word in this house again. Understand?
Bill frantically nods his head. Joey drops him on the ground and returns to the darts.
joey (cont’d)
Why don’t you get the fuck out of here -- you’re starting to bore me.
Bill quickly stands up and runs out the back steps. Jake warmly smiles at Joey.
jake (vo)
Joey never really defined “kidz” well. “Kidz” was Joey.
ext. tau mu house - same
Jake walks down the stairs. He stops and looks back at the house.
jake (vo)
This house was “kidz.”
ext. parking lot - dusk, present day
Jake is staring aimlessly into the parking lot. He takes out the book from the paper bag.
jake (vo)
But, unfortunately, the sun had set.
He looks at the book briefly before tossing it over the fence. It’s the LETTERS OF SACCO AND VANZETTI.
ext. reagan national airport - later
A taxi enters. A nearby billboard states: “KEVIN & JOEY’S . . . STEAK & RIBS,” and depicts a smiling Kevin and Joey with their arms around each other’s shoulder.
ext. street - night, new jersey
A LARGE BMW SEDAN slowly turns the corner.
jake (vo)
As I got home, I tried figuring it out. Sure, I was successful. But was I proud of it?
(beat)
Was I proud of what I became -- a man who sold out who and what he was all for a dream that was never really his?
ext. jake’s house - same
Jake parks. He slowly gets out of the car and approaches the large house.
jake (vo)
They call it “growing up.” But maybe it’s nothing more than “growing old.”
Jake’s TWO YOUNG DAUGHTERS run outside and jump up on him.
first daughter
Daddy! Daddy! What did you bring us?
jake
What are you two doing up?
second daughter
Mommy’s really worried about you.
jake (vo)
So, maybe I wasn’t happy and never would be happy. But for most of us, there is no happy ending -- only contentment.
Sarah, who’s still beautiful, walks outside and feigns anger as she puts her hands on her hips. Jake blankly looks at her and then briefly glances at his daughters, before looking back toward her. He contentedly smiles.
jake (vo)
And often, selling out does have its benefits.
fade out
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