Candide (Based on the Novel by Voltaire; 2004)
fade in:A flock of white birds fly over a sprawling medieval castle on a glorious sunny day.
narrator (v.o.)
Once upon a time, in the kingdom of Westphalia, lived a most noble and powerful baron by the name of Thunder-ten-tronckh.
int. library - same
PANGLOSS, a frail and tall bespectacled middle-aged man is reading aloud from a book, instructing CANDIDE, a short, cherubic-looking man in his late teens.
narrator (v.o.)
And in this castle, lived a youth whom Nature had endowed with a sweet disposition, a solid judgment, and a most unaffected simplicity, a young man appropriately named . . . Candide.
candide
Master Pangloss, how do we know everything is the best?
Pangloss lowers his book.
pangloss
Why, it’s simple metaphysico-theologo-cosmolonigology. You see, things cannot be otherwise than they are; so, as all things have been created for some end, they must’ve necessarily been created for the best end.
(pointing to his nose)
The nose is formed for glasses, so we wear glasses.
(pointing to his legs)
The legs are designed for stockings, thus we wear stockings.
(pointing to the wall)
Stones were made to construct castles, therefore our baron has a magnificent castle; for the greatest nobleman ought to have the best abode.
(to Candide, smiling)
So, you see, everything is for the best in this, the best of all possible worlds!
Candide smiles. He turns to the open window and sees someone walking in the distance. He blushes.
ext. garden - same
CUNEGUND, a beautiful buxom blonde in her late teens, smilingly walks, occasionally smelling flowers. She has a basket in her hand.
narrator (v.o.)
In this castle also lived Cunegund, the Baron’s immaculate daughter.
candide (o.s.)
Cunegund!
Cunegund turns and sees Candide rushing toward her, flower in hand. He gives it to her. She blushes. He blushes.
cunegund
Why, thank you, cousin.
candide
Thank you for calling me “cousin.”
cunegund
But you are my cousin.
candide
Not according to the Baron.
cunegund
I do hope it does not bother you so when he uses that vile word. You didn’t chose your father.
He lovingly grabs her hand.
candide
Oh, Cunegund -- how I love thee!
She quickly pulls her hand away and looks in all directions.
cunegund
Sshhh -- don’t be a naughty boy.
He smiles sweetly and she reciprocates.
int. castle - same
The BARON, a fat man with a big mustache, is looking out the window with binoculars. The BARONESS, an equally fat blonde woman is nearby, fanning herself.
baron
I knew we should’ve thrown him out once he hit puberty. Nothing good will come of this.
baroness
But dear -- he’s your own blood.
baron
Don’t remind me!
int. castle - later
Cunegund is skipping through the hallway with her basket.
She stops when she strange grunting sounds. She cautiously opens a nearby door and looks inside. She puts on her viewing glasses and turns bright red. She loudly clears her throat.
Pangloss and Pacquette, a Rubenesque chambermaid, are underneath the covers. They turn as red as Cunegund. They fumble with their clothes and scurry out of bed.
cunegund
Master Pangloss -- what on earth were you two doing?
pangloss
Nothing, my dear. Why, I was just giving Pacquette a little lecture in experimental philosophy.
pacquette
A very little lecture.
Pangloss clears his throat.
cunegund
Experimental philosophy, you say?
int. dining room - night
The Baron, the Baroness, Candide, and Cunegund are sitting around a table eating.
Both the Baron and Baroness are noisily stuffing themselves with enormous amounts of food, eating with their hands, the excess dripping off their chins. Candide and Cunegund are daintily eating, bashfully making eye contact with each other.
The Baron and Baroness loudly belch, almost in unison, stand up, and quickly exit, followed by the young pair, who are moving slowly.
cunegund
Tell me, Candide -- what do you know about experimental philosophy?
candide
Experimental philosophy?
Cunegund drops her handkerchief and stops. Candide picks it up and hands it to her. She lovingly takes his hand and leads him to the corner. They awkwardly embrace, their hands slowly lowering off-screen.
baron (o.s.)
What!
The Baron enters.
baron (cont’d)
I knew it!
The Baron grabs Candide’s shoulder and effortless lifts him off the ground. Cunegund faints.
ext. castle - moments later
Candide flies through the open door, landing violently on the ground. The door slams shut. He stands up and looks at the castle woefully.
candide
Don’t worry, my dear -- I’ll return for thee. I promise!
int. castle - moments later
The Baron clutches his fists, red with anger.
Baron
Damn my sister for having him!
The Baroness is on the floor, lovingly holding her unconscious daughter.
baroness
O my poor baby! Please, come to!
Cunegund opens her eyes. The Baroness violently boxes her ears.
baroness
You vile trollop! Consorting with an ill-born rascal!
ext. forest - later
Candide aimlessly wanders amidst mild snow flurries.
narrator (v.o.)
And thus, our poor hero -- exiled from Paradise -- was forced to make his way in the world -- unloved and penniless.
The flurries quickly turn into a violent snowstorm.
Candide’s movements gets slower and he becomes a giant snowball. He starts rolling, faster and faster -- until he reaches the outskirts of a town, where he hits a sign stating, “Wald-berghoff-trarbkdikdorff,” knocking the snow off him.
int. inn - later
A frozen Candide slowly and mechanically enters. He enviously watches people eating and drinking. TWO SOLDIERS in the corner look at Candide and then nod to one another, connivingly. They stand up and approach him with smiles.
first soldier
Would my lord do us the honor of dining with us?
candide
I’m sorry, gentlemen, but . . . but I have no money.
second soldier
Money? You needn’t money. Don’t you know men exist to help one another?
candide
This is what Master Pangloss said. Oh, then it’s true -- everything really is for the best!
int. inn - later
The three are finishing eating, Candide sitting in between the two soldiers. The first soldier turns to Candide.
first soldier
Tell me -- do you love our great king?
Candide turns to the first soldier with a quizzical expression. The second soldier drops some powder into Candide’s mug.
candide
Why, no -- I don’t even know him.
second soldier
Ah, but you must love him nonetheless. Come, let’s toast him!
The three energetically toast their mugs.
all three
To the king!
ext. prussian army camp - later
The two soldiers, carrying Candide over their shoulders, pass the SENTRY.
sentry
Another volunteer, eh?
The two soldiers smile, walk into the camp, and drop Candide onto a pile of unconscious men.
ext. army camp - day
A short, thick-muscled SERGEANT is drilling Candide and six other VOLUNTEERS, who are carrying muskets.
sergeant
Right face!
The volunteers turn left.
sergeant
Left face!
They turn forward.
sergeant
Present arms!
They turn left.
sergeant
At ease.
They present arms. The sergeant smiles.
sergeant
Excellent. Why, you’re the finest cannon fodder we’ve ever had.
The sergeant turns and points to the large and magnificent royal tent.
sergeant (cont’d)
Just think of the honor -- being slaughtered for the glory . . . of His Majesty!
The sergeant leaves. Candide looks around, drops his musket, and starts to leave.
ext. outside army camp - moments later
Candide exits and calmly walks down the road. The sergeant runs up beside him, turns to Candide while walking backward. He smiles.
sergeant
And where may I ask are you going?
candide
Master Pangloss told me all men are endowed with free will; and so, I choose to leave.
int. COURT-MARTIAL - day
Candide is facing three stern-looking GENERALS. The first general slams his gavel.
first general
Guilty of desertion!
second general
As punishment, since you’re such a strong believer in free will, we’re giving you a choice: either run the gauntlet thirty-six times . . .
candide
Or?
first general
Or have you brains blown out.
ext. army camp - day
Candide is crawling through a gauntlet of about a dozen soldiers who are viciously pounding their fists onto him and kicking him. At the end of line, the woozy and battered Candide looks up at the smiling sergeant.
sergeant
Only thirty-five more to go.
candide
Blow out my brains. Please.
sergeant
Say “pretty please.”
(beat)
With sugar on top.
ext. army camp - later
A SOLIDER places a blindfold over Candide, who is tied to a pole.
The PRUSSIAN KING, a large effeminate man, passes with his entourage. He turns to his UNDERLING.
king
What is that charming young boy guilty of?
UNDERLING
Free will, Your Majesty.
king
Ah, so he’s a philosopher. I love philosophers. Bring him to my boudoir this evening.
ext. royal tent - night
A dim light emanates from inside.
king (0.s.)
Oh, my sweet, sweet boy.
candide (o.s.)
(agonizingly)
Can . . . can I return to the firing squad?
The underling rushes inside. He gasps, off-screen.
underling (o.s.)
Excuse me, Your Majesty!
king (o.s.)
(agitatedly)
What is it?
underling (o.s.)
Important news, sire. But first, let me say that wedding gown truly becomes Your Highness.
king (o.s.)
The news?
underling (o.s)
The French army has amassed on the border.
king (o.s.)
What? This means war!
ext. battlefield - day
The Prussian and French armies are facing each other.
narrator (v.o.)
O war! As Shakespeare wrote,
“ . . . it exceeds peace as far as day does night; it’s sprightly, waking, audible, and full of vent.”
The armies start firing, accompanied by trumpets and drums.
narrator (v.o.) (cont’d)
And that day, there was such harmony as was never heard in Hell itself.
Cannons, muskets, and bayonets destroy thousands of men on both sides.
ext. baron’s castle - same
Cunegund watches from a window in fear as French soldiers storm through the gates.
narrator (v.o.)
And of course, what would a war be without a little collateral damage?
ext. battlefield - same
Soldiers are literally falling like dominoes.
narrator (v.o.)
And where was our brave Candide during this heroic butchery?
Candide is hiding in a burrow shaking with fear as shells and dead bodies fly over him.
ext. battlefield - later
PRUSSIAN SOLDIERS are cheerfully throwing dead bodies into wagons.
narrator (v.o.)
After the carnage, the victors, according to custom, sang Te Deum -- to thank God for his wondrous bounty.
soldiers
(singing)
You are God: we praise you;
You are the Lord; we acclaim you;
You are the eternal Father:
All creation worships you.
To you all angels, all the powers of heaven,
Cherubim and Seraphim, sing in endless praise:
"Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.”
As they pass, Candide quickly looks around and runs away.
ext. french village - later
Candide passes a sign that states “BIENVENUE!” He enters a scorched street strewn with bodies and debris. He walks up to an OLD MAN sitting on a curb, who’s shaking his head in despair.
candide
What happened?
old man
The Prussians paid us a little visit.
candide
(shaking his head)
Horrible.
old man
Not at all. It’s perfectly acceptable according to the rules of engagement.
(beat)
It was actually quite kind of them to spare me. Especially after slaughtering my entire family in front of my eyes. I will always be grateful.
ext. prussian camp - same
The sergeant is talking with one of the generals.
sergeant
We couldn’t find his body.
general
What -- deserted again? Sergeant, take some men and find him.
(beat)
If it got out that you could leave the army other than in a pine box, it would ruin the men’s morale.
The sergeant salutes.
sergeant
Yes, sir!
general
And besides, the King misses him terribly.
map of europe
A dotted line is drawn from the French-German border toward Amsterdam. A second dotted line follows it.
narrator (v.o.)
Unaware he was being followed, Candide -- once again destitute -- slowly made his way across Europe in search of better worlds.
ext. outskirts of amsterdam - day
A half-starved, tattered-looking Candide comes to a sign stating, “Welcome to Amsterdam; Land of Protestants and Dikes.”
ext. house, amsterdam - day
A MAN dressed in black, with a black broad-brimmed hat is addressing a small crowd from the front stoop. Candide stops and watches.
man
It is the duty of every good Christian to provide charity to those less fortunate. Without exception!
The crowd disperses. Candide walks up to the man.
candide
Good sir, I heard your speech and I humbly beg charity.
man
And you shall have it. But first, tell me -- do you believe in the cause?
candide
I believe, as Master Pangloss said, that there can be no effect without cause; everything is necessarily arranged for the best.
The man’s WIFE opens an upstairs window carrying a bucket. She looks down and listens to Candide.
candide (cont’d)
It was necessary that I was banished from my beloved Cunegund, that I was made to run the gauntlet, that I have to beg for my food. All this could not have been otherwise.
man
But do you believe the pope is the antichrist?
JAMES, a middle-aged bearded man walking by, stops and listens.
candide
Why, no -- I’ve never heard such a thing!
man
(angrily)
Then you’ll get nothing, foul beggar. Out of my sight!
The man enters his house and slams the door. The wife dumps the bucket of thick brown muck on Candide’s head.
wife
Popish filth!
Candide lowers his head in shame. The wife returns inside, slamming the window closed. James comes up to Candide and grabs his hand.
james
Come with me, son -- I will help you.
int. james’s house - later
James smiles as he watches Candide, who is now clean and wearing a new set of clothes, devour a large plate of food. He lays two silver coins beside him.
james
Here is a little spending money. And when you are ready, I’ll teach you my trade so you can earn your own living, and in turn help others.
Candide throws himself at James’s feet.
candide
James, I was beginning to lose faith -- but you . . . you’re just like those Golden-Age Christians from the Bible.
James kindly grabs Candide’s shoulder and gently lifts him up.
james
Never prostrate yourself before any man, other than Him who is your Lord.
ext. street - day
A man, covered in rags, scabs over his body, his nose half cut-off, and coughing violently, is sitting on the curb, begging with a tin plate. Candide passes by.
man
Alms for the poor.
The man spits out a few of his black teeth. Candide looks at him with pity, before taking out the two silver coins and putting them on the plate. The man looks at him carefully and smiles.
man (cont’d)
My boy, don’t you recognize your dear Pangloss?
int. james’s house - later
Candide and James look on as Pangloss devours a large meal.
pangloss
The French destroyed our baron’s great castle. Fortunately, our troops did the very same to the neighboring French barony.
candide
(anxiously)
But what about Cunegund?
Pangloss stops eating and looks down.
pangloss
Dead, I’m afraid. With the rest of her noble family.
Candide turns away sorrowfully, a large teardrop falling from his eye.
candide
Where’s your best of all worlds now? Tell me -- what is the cause and effect of this tragedy?
pangloss
It’s all part of God’s wonderful, but . . . entirely incomprehensible plan.
Candide turns back and angrily points at Pangloss.
candide
Was your affliction part of His plan?
pangloss
Absolutely. For he gave us love.
candide
Love?
pangloss
Yes. It was love that caused me to taste the pleasure of Paradise in the arms of sweet Pacquette, which in turn caused the disease which now devours me.
candide
This plan seems more like the devil’s.
pangloss
Not at all. Why, Pacquette got the disease from a Franciscan, who got it from a countess, who got from an army captain, who got it from a marchioness, who got it from a Jesuit, who got it from one of Columbus’ men, who got it in the Americas. So, don’t you see?
candide
See what?
pangloss
That this disease was necessary in the best of all worlds, for without it we wouldn’t have chocolate.
candide
Well, we must cure you of it.
pangloss
How? I have no money.
james
I will provide for you, my friend.
ext. barber’s shop - day
The sign on the door states, “Bloodletting While U Wait.” James and Pangloss, who’s seems completely restored, exit -- walking down the street in profile.
pangloss
What an excellent cure!
They turn and walk across the street, exposing Pangloss’ missing eye and ear.
pangloss (cont’d)
And all at the expense of only an eye and an ear. You know, I always thought two were redundant.
(to James)
How can I thank you, gentle sir?
james
Candide tells me you’re good at figuring -- so perhaps you could accompany us on my business trip to Spain, as my bookkeeper.
ext. port - day
A crowd of people are boarding a tall sailing ship. The Prussian sergeant and a dozen of his men are eyeing the passengers as they board. Candide, Pangloss, and James arrive.
candide
Oh, no -- those men -- I believe they’re looking for me.
pangloss
Do not fear -- those are our German brethren.
ext. port - later
Pangloss is standing behind a beer stand.
pangloss
Free beer here!
The Prussian soldiers, in unison, race to the stand, forming an orderly line. Candide and James sneak onboard the ship.
map of europe
A dotted line is drawn from Amsterdam toward the western coast of Spain.
narrator (v.o.)
And so the trio made its way on what was certain to be a fun and pleasurable adventure.
ext. sea - dusk
The sailing ship rides through moderate waves and a darkening sky.
ext. ship - same
Candide, Pangloss, and James are looking at the sea from the railing. James turns to Pangloss.
james
I’m not so sure I agree with your outlook. Men have somehow deviated from their original innocence -- we weren’t born wolves, yet we act like beasts of prey.
pangloss
The Lord works in mysterious ways.
A large lightning bolt strikes, following by thunder.
ext. sea - later
The ship is in the midst of a wild tempest, with high waves, strong wind, and pouring rain. The sails blow away.
ext. ship - same
People are being thrown around deck -- screaming, crying, praying.
A WOMAN, hanging on the outside of the railing, is pleading for help. James rushes to her and grabs her arm. As he’s pulling her up, a large SAILOR runs through James, knocking him to the deck and the woman into the sea.
sailor
Out of my way!
The force of the blow, combined with a changing wind, knocks the sailor overboard.
ext. sea - same
The sailor is frantically waving his arms.
sailor
Help! Someone, please -- help!
ext. ship - same
A woozy James slowly gets off the deck and sees the distressed sailor.
james
Hold on, friend.
He picks up a rope and throws one end to the sailor.
ext. ship - later
With great effort, James pulls the sailor on board. The boat jerks, throwing James off board.
james (o.s.)
Help!
The sailor looks at James and smiles.
sailor
Sucker!
The sailor leaves. Candide and Pangloss rush to the railing.
candide
I’ll save you!
Candide jumps on the railing ready to dive into the water, but Pangloss grabs him and brings him down.
pangloss
Don’t be foolish -- God clearly created this storm for James to drown.
candide
That’s nonsense.
pangloss
I can prove it to you.
ext. ship - later
Candide and Pangloss are desperately hanging on to a mask as the ship sinks.
pangloss
If God hadn’t wished James to drown, he would’ve given him gills.
ext. sea - dawn
A depressed Candide and an unruffled Pangloss are calmly floating on a large, flimsy piece of wood.
pangloss
Ergo, ipso facto, James’s death was simply a Leibnizian monad, perfectly congruent with God’s universal harmony. And hence, I’ve proved my argument quod erat demonstrandum; and, might I add, entirely a priori.
They reach a beach.
ext. beach -- moments later
Candide and Pangloss are walking up a large sand dune.
pangloss
Ah, Spain -- home of the great inquisition. Here we’re sure to find the most rational and enlightened people.
ext. seville - day
Candide and Pangloss reach a hill on the outskirts of the magnificent city. Pangloss raises his arm and smiles.
pangloss
Seville. A city blessed by God.
The earth starts shaking violently. Buildings collapse. Great fires start raging. Candide and Pangloss fall to the ground.
The sailor walks up to Candide and Pangloss from behind, smiling and rubbing his hands.
sailor
Ah, me boys -- they’ll be plunder to be had.
The sailor rushes down the hill.
ext. seville - later
Candide and Pangloss enter the devastated city. Smoke and fire is everywhere along with the screams of the wounded.
The sailor is desperately struggling to pull off a diamond ring from a hand protruding from the ground.
sailor
Damn you!
The sailor grabs a large butcher’s knife. Candide and Pangloss pass him and grimace.
voice (o.s.)
Help me! Help me!
Candide and Pangloss stop and turn toward a collapsed church.
candide
Someone’s under the church, probably a man of God. Quick -- we must save him.
ext. church - later
An exhausted and sweating Candide strains as he pulls a larger piece of stone away. Pangloss reaches in and pulls out the INQUISITOR, a tall, frail monk whose head is tonsured.
Candide hands him some water.
inquisitor
Thank you, gentlemen. Your kindness won’t go unrewarded, for I am the grand inquisitor of all Spain.
ext. park - later
Candide, Pangloss, the Inquisitor, and others and sitting at a large table eating bread and strips of pork.
inquisitor
I’m sorry that this is best meal we could provide under the circumstances.
A MAN sitting beside Pangloss breaks down in tears and collapses his head on the table.
pangloss
What’s wrong with him?
inquisitor
He lost his entire family.
Pangloss put his hand on the man’s shoulder as he chews and swallows a piece of bread.
pangloss
Take comfort, friend, in knowing their deaths were for the best. For if there were to be an earthquake in Seville, it could be no place else.
inquisitor
(to Pangloss)
Tell me, why are you not eating your pork?
pangloss
I don’t particularly like pork.
inquisitor
Guards!
Two GUARDS carrying lances enter. The Inquisitor points at Pangloss.
inquisitor (cont’d)
Arrest this man.
pangloss
What for?
inquisitor
If you don’t eat pork, it follows you must be a Jew.
(to guards)
And arrest his companion as well.
pangloss
Why?
inquisitor
He’s a Jew by association.
int. inquisitorial council - day
The Inquisitor is addressing twelve monks, who are sitting in front of a large table. They look something like the Apostles during the painting of the Last Supper.
inquisitor
Brothers, you may ask yourselves why God would strike his wrath upon this most Catholic of cities.
The brothers look at each other.
inquisitor (cont’d)
Clearly, he is angry at us for tolerating Jews. Why, we haven’t killed or tortured one in over two years. I ask you -- how can we prevent further earthquakes?
The brothers pound their fists in unison to the cadence of their chant.
monks
Auto-da-fé! Auto-da-fé! Auto-da-fé!
inquisitor
Yes, we must show God how much we love him with an auto-da-fé -- an act of faith!
ext. city square - day
Candide, Pangloss, and other prisoners are marching in procession viewed by many onlookers. The prisoners are wearing sanbenitos (a yellow burlap gown with pictures of devils and fire painted on them) and mitres (a paper hat similar to a dunce cap.)
A VENDOR is selling Auto-da-fé shirts, hats, and mugs.
vendor
Get your souvenirs here!
candide
(to Pangloss)
I’m to be flogged, they decreed.
pangloss
That’s nothing. As I’m a very special heretic, I get the honor of hanging. O the joy -- to die for someone else’s faith!
int. church - later
Candide, his back bare, is being tied to a pole on the front stage by a hooded executioner. The man looks at Candide carefully and raises his hood, revealing the sailor. He smiles.
sailor
Ahoy, mate!
candide
You!
sailor
Yes, it was either this or have my hands cut off for stealing.
candide
Tell me -- will this be painful?
sailor
No. Not once your unconscious.
int. church - later
The sailor is furiously whipping Candide, who is crying in pain, supervised by the Inquisitor, his guards by his side. The crowd cheers loudly with each lash as if at a sporting event.
A WOMAN wearing a white cloak and a veil pushes her way to the front. When she sees Candide’s face, she motions in horror, before turning and quickly exiting.
The Inquisitor motions for the sailor to stop.
inquisitor
(to Candide, sweetly)
Why are you making this difficult for yourself? Simply confess your Jewishness and you’ll be forgiven.
(angrily)
Right after we burn you at the stake!
The Inquisitor smiles. Candide looks at him but doesn’t respond. The Inquisitor shrugs and motions for the sailor to continue. The sailor continues.
The crowd joyfully starts singing “Te Deum” to the beat of the whipping.
crowd
You are God: we praise you;
You are the Lord; we acclaim you;
You are the eternal Father:
All creation worships you.
To you all angels, all the powers of heaven,
Cherubim and Seraphim, sing in endless praise:
"Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.”
A hooded MAN walks on stage.
He raises his hand, which has a large scare in the center of it, and grabs the whip, pulling it from the hands of the sailor. The whip twirls around the man’s hand, and the man then distastefully drops it onto the floor. The crowd becomes silent.
He turns to the crowd, taking off his hood, revealing Jesus Christ, complete with a bloodied crown of thorns on His head. The crowd loudly gasps.
Christ looks at the crowd with disdain, before walking over to Candide. He unties Candide, takes him in His arms and lowers him onto His lap.
jesus
My son.
Jesus kisses Candide’s forehead.
candide
Who . . . who are you?
jesus
I am life and resurrection.
Jesus gently caresses Candide’s welted bloody back, and the welts and blood disappear. The crowd further gasps. The Inquisitor turns to the guards.
inquisitor
Well, what are you waiting for?
. . . Arrest Him!
first guard
But . . . sire, He . . . he’s the Savior.
inquisitor
I know who He is! . . . Let Him suffer with the rest of the Jews!
The guards whisk a bewildered Christ away, dragging Him across the floor. The Inquisitor turns to the sailor.
inquisitor (cont’d)
And, you -- those lashes didn’t count. Give him another hundred!
The earth starts shaking. The crowd screams. The Inquisitor clenches his fists.
inquisitor (cont’d)
Quick -- we’re not torturing them fast enough!
int. large prison cell - later
Candide is lying on his stomach, his back scarred and bloodied, looking at the large “J” branded on his palm. A Spanish PRISONER is by his side. Candide looks up.
candide
Ah, my dearly departed Pangloss, wisest of all philosophers -- if this is the best of all worlds, what are the others like?
The prisoner gently puts his hand on Candide’s arm.
prisoner
Relax, my friend -- and listen to Miguel continue his story.
MIGUEL CERVANTES, a balding, middle-aged man is standing in the middle of the cell, the rest of the prisoners attentively listening.
miguel
As they were walking, they approached thirty windmills. Don Quixote said to his squire, “Look, friend Sancho Panza, thirty monstrous giants have appeared.”
The prisoners laugh. Miguel smiles.
miguel (cont’d)
Don’t laugh -- I promise you this is a true story.
The prisoners laugh louder.
miguel (cont’d)
Quixote said, “We’ll battle these giants and take their lives, as it’s a great service to God to wipe out such wickedness from the world.”
A PRISON GUARD opens the door, accompanied by an OLD WOMAN.
guard
Candide!
ext. street - later
Candide is slowly and painfully following the old woman, who walks with a limp.
old woman
Take courage, my boy. At least you’re not missing a buttock.
int. room - later
The old woman is rubbing ointment on Candide’s wounds. She stops, walks to the door, and turns back to Candide.
old woman
You’ll find food and drink in the cupboard -- and new clothes, along with a rapier in the closet.
candide
How can I thank you?
The woman smiles.
old woman
It’s not me you should thank.
int. room - night
Candide, wearing new clothes, is finishing a piece of bread. The old woman enters, followed by the white-cloaked woman wearing a veil, who cautiously walks up to Candide.
old woman
Take off her veil. Come on -- don’t be shy.
Candide slowly removes the veil revealing an elegantly-dressed Cunegund. He falls to her feet.
candide
Cunegund!
cunegund
My love!
int. room - later
Candide and Cunegund are sitting on couch holding hands, alone in the room.
cunegund
Pangloss just thought I was killed when he saw the French soldier rip his sword into my flesh -- after I refused his lecture in experimental philosophy. You see, I didn’t understand that such lectures were customary during times of war.
candide
(anxiously)
Then what happened?
cunegund
Auspiciously, his commanding officer came in and took pity on me, by selling me into slavery -- to a Jew, Don Issachar, the banker of the Spanish Court. I became his concubine -- that is, until the Inquisitor saw me in the street and politely requested the Jew to either share me or be consigned to the flames. So, they now split me during the week, while each has me on his own Sabbath.
(pointing finger)
Although, there’s great debate over whether Saturday night belongs to the Old Law or the New one.
candide
Well, no more -- from now on, you will be mine -- and mine alone!
They embrace and kiss.
candide
Oh, Cunegund.
cunegund
My Candide.
Candide pauses.
candide
Do . . . Oh, I should ask.
cunegund
Ask -- ask!
candide
Do . . . could I perhaps see the scare that impudent French soldier gave you?
Cunegund smiles.
cunegund
Of course.
DON ISSACHAR, a stout bearded man wearing a black hat, bursts through the door.
issachar
What is this?
cunegund
Don Issachar!
issachar
Today is my Sabbath
-- she belongs to me!
He pulls out a sword and points it at Candide.
issachar (cont’d)
Villain, I will not share her with another goy!
Candide takes out his rapier and the two fight. They each exchange numerous blows before Candide finally slays Issachar.
int. room - later
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman are slowly dragging Issachar toward the door.
inquisitor (o.s.)
My sweet -- it’s time for our lecture.
The Inquisitor enters. He’s shocked.
inquisitor (cont’d)
What -- you killed a Jew without me? You shall burn for this!
Candide runs his rapier through the Inquisitor’s heart. The Inquisitor smiles, pointing to his heart.
inquisitor (cont’d)
Ha -- there’s nothing there.
Candide pulls out the rapier and cuts off his Inquisitor’s head.
cunegund
(frantically)
Now, we’re finished! They . . . they might even excommunicate us.
old woman
Patience, you have many jewels and horses. We’ll leave for Cadiz on horseback -- even though it will painful for me with only one buttock.
int. room - later
The inquisitorial council, led by Torquemada, a large, powerfully-built monk, storms inside and finds the two dead bodies. They become angry..
torquemada
Brothers -- let us not forget the Gospels. We shall turn the other cheek . . .
(raising head)
And burn it!
The monks cry out a bloodthirsty cheer.
torquemada (cont’d)
I, Torquemada, promise God almighty to hunt the perpetrators wherever they may go. But first, we must give both these men proper burials.
ext. church - day
A large, extravagant procession leads the golden coffin of the inquisitor.
narrator (v.o.)
And so, they gave the Grand Inquisitor, a man dedicated to poverty, charity, and chastity, a funeral suited to his vows.
ext. dunghill - same
Two soldiers are carrying the body of the Issachar.
narrator (v.o.)
As for Don Issachar, he joined the other members of his illustrious nation.
They throw the body onto the fetid filth, next to the body of Christ.
ext. road - day
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman are stopped at a roadblock, where an LAW OFFICER is searching them.
candide
Is there a problem, officer?
The officer looks at one of the jewels Cunegund is carrying.
officer
Yes -- this belongs to the Grand Inquisitor.
on a hill overlooking the road
DON QUIXOTE -- carrying a lance and riding an old nag -- and SANCHO PANZA -- riding a donkey -- are closely watching.
don quixote
See that, friend Sancho Panza -- that highwayman is robbing a princess.
sancho
(shaking his head)
I don’t know, master.
don quixote
Of course, you don’t -- you’re not a knight errant.
Don Quixote charges down the hill. Sancho frowns and again shakes his head.
sancho
Wait till Cervantes hears about this one.
by the road
Don Quixote charges the officer, lance drawn.
don quixote
Release her, you villain!
officer
Not him again.
The officer, unfrightened, doesn’t move as Quixote’s lance passes harmlessly above him. Quixote charges again and misses even worse. The officer laughs as Quixote charges yet again.
ext. road - night
Quixote, panting and sweating excessively, is staring down the smiling officer, with Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman still at his side.
old woman
This is getting quite quixotic.
officer
Come on -- don’t give up now -- you almost nicked me last time.
Quixote charges. His horse trips, tossing Quixote lance-first into the ground. The officer falls on the ground laughing. He clutches his heart and passes out. Candide feels his pulse.
cunegund
What’s wrong with him?
candide
He’s . . . he’s laughed himself to death.
ext. Sierra Morena - day
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman come to a small inn, which is nestled amidst the majestic mountains, on horseback.
int. inn - night
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman are sitting on makeshift mattresses, next to a FRANCISCAN MONK. The monk eyes Cunegund’s jewels.
monk
I see you are a wealthy woman, madam. But you should remember what Christ said -- it is easier for a camel to enter the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God.
ext. Sierra Morena - dawn
Smoke is pouring from the chimney of the inn.
int. inn - same
Cunegund is frantically searching through her things while Candide and the old woman look on.
cunegund
Stolen! All my jewels have been stolen! And where will I find inquisitors and Jews to give me more?
old woman
I bet it was that monk.
cunegund
What’ll we do?
old woman
We’ll sell the horses and walk to Cadiz -- even though I’m missing a buttock.
ext. cadiz - day
Candide, Cunegund, and the old woman, walking with sore feet, come to a large sailing ship by the seacoast.
In front of the ship is a poster with the King of Spain pointing outward, stating, “I Want You to Join the Spanish Navy; Convert the World.”
int. navy office - later
Candide is talking with a NAVAL OFFICER. Nearby is Cacambo, a large conquistador.
officer
Do you have any experience?
candide
I was in the Prussian Army.
officer
(gravely)
Tell me, were you involved with that vile, inhuman slaughter of the French?
candide
Yes, but . . .
officer
But nothing -- you’re a hero! We’ll make you captain of a garrison.
The officer points to Cacambo.
officer (cont’d)
This is Cacambo. He will be your lieutenant.
Cacambo falls to his knees and kisses Candide’s hand.
cacambo
It will be an honor to serve someone who so bravely massacred innocent men, women, and children.
int. church - day
The sailor is spinning the Franciscan monk, who is bound to a spit, over a fire, while Torquemada and the inquisitorial council look on.
torquemada
It shames me that a fellow man of God would steal from the Grand Inquisitor and kill him.
franciscan
I swear --
torquemada
Swearing? Don’t you think you’re in enough trouble?
franciscan
I’ve never even seen the Inquisitor. I relieved the jewels from a young lady -- of course, only to save her immortal soul.
torquemada
A young lady?
franciscan
Yes -- she was traveling with a male companion and an old woman. The man -- he was brandished a Jew.
monk
Probably that sinner who escaped before we could absolve him. He must’ve kidnapped the Inquisitor’s mistress.
The other monks look at him disapprovingly.
monk (cont’d)
I mean, the Inquisitor’s friend.
map of the atlantic ocean
A line is drawn from the coast of Spain toward Argentina.
narrator (os)
Our hero, meanwhile, was already en route to Argentina -- to save the poor heathens from eternal damnation.
ext. sailing ship - day
Candide (dressed as a conquistador), Cunegund, and the old woman and standing by the railing, looking out over a calm sea.
cunegund
In this new world, everything must surely be the best. It can’t be worse than what we’ve already suffered.
old woman
Suffered? You don’t know suffering.
candide
How so?
old woman
You can’t tell by looking at me, but I was the daughter of a pope -- I had wealth and beauty. Then, on route to meet my betrothed, I was captured by a Moorish corsair and forced into slavery, during which time there was a deadly outbreak of the plague, followed by a famine. I had a buttock cut off to feed my starving master. I’ve been beaten, ravished, mutilated -- sold between Muslim, Jew, and Christian. No, you two haven’t suffered at all!
candide
Well, then the New World will be a new start for all of us.
int. naval office - same
Torquemada is showing the naval officer a sketch.
torquemada
Have you seen him?
The naval officer is shocked as he looks at the picture.
ext. coast of buenos aires - day
Candide, Cacambo, Cunegund, and the old woman exit the docked ship.
ext. dock - moments later
The four are met by DON FERNANDO, an elegantly-dressed man with a long mustache, who bows to them.
don fernando
I’m Don Fernando d'Ibaraa y Figueora y Mascarenes y Lampourdos y Souza -- the governor of Buenos Aires.
He looks passionately into the eyes of Cunegund and kisses her hand.
don fernando (cont’d)
And who is this lovely creature?
candide
My betrothed. Perhaps you could perform the ceremony.
don fernando
Certainly. Captain Candide -- why don’t you go take your men and go on some maneuvers.
Candide and Cacambo leave. Don Fernando lovingly puts his arm around Cunegund.
don fernando (cont’d)
I’m madly in love with you! Either marry me, or I will kill myself. Or perhaps Captain Candide.
int. room - later
A distressed-looking Cunegund is sitting on a bed, her hands to her face, the old woman looking on.
cunegund
What shall I do?
old woman
Don’t be a fool -- marry the governor. He is rich and has a fine mustache.
cunegund
But what about Candide?
old woman
Take him as a lover. Adultery’s quite permissible, just as long as you sincerely repent afterward.
int. town - day
Cunegund and the old woman are looking at wedding dresses in a shop window. A conquistador places a poster of Candide on the window that states, “WANTED: BURNED ALIVE.” Cunegund is shocked.
cunegund
Quick -- you must warn him!
int. governor’s office - same
The Governor is looking at a sketch of Candide while Torquemada looks on. The Governor shakes his head.
governor
And he seemed like such a fine young man. I was even planning to perform his wedding.
torquemada
You must tell me where I can find him.
governor
I would feel just terrible if any bad happened to him.
(smiling)
Just terrible.
int. candide’s BIVOUAC - night
A light shines brightly through a large tent.
int. candide’s tent - same
Candide is frantically pleading with the old woman. Cacambo looks on.
candide
But how can I leave my Cunegund just when governor’s about to marry us?
cacambo
Don’t worry about her -- the good Lord always takes care of beautiful women. Come, we will go together.
candide
If we’re caught, it’ll mean your death.
cacambo
Then I’ll serve you in the next world as I’ve done in this one.
A group of horses enter the camp off-screen.
old woman
Quick!
Candide and Cacambo rush out the back of the tent as Torquemada and his troops storm inside.
torquemada
Where is he?
old woman
Who?
Torquemada picks up the old woman off the ground by the collar. She appears unafraid.
torquemada
Tell us where he is or we’ll torture you.
old woman
What -- will you cut off my other buttock?
ext. road - later
Candide and Cacambo are traveling slowly by horseback.
candide
Where shall we go?
cacambo
The good Jesuits of Paraguay are rebelling against Spain. They will be honored to have a man like you, who is so experienced in the art of butchering men, women, and children.
candide
I must tell you something -- I massacred no one during the Franco-Prussian war.
cacambo
Not even a little baby?
Candide reluctantly shakes his head. Cacambo lowers his.
cacambo (cont’d)
Oh, dear. Then our future is indeed bleak.
map of south america
A dotted line is drawn from Argentina toward Paraguay.
narrator (vo)
The two made their way north, unaware that Torquemada was right behind him, eager to correct their sins.
A second dotted line quickly follows the first.
ext. PARAGUAYAN border - day
Candide and Cacambo are talking to an armed MONK at a fortification, on top of which states, “KINGDOM OF PARAGUAY; 3,500 HERETICS BURNED.”
monk
Wait here.
The monk enters the fortification. Someone screams off-screen. Smoke rises above the fortification. The sign changes to “3,501 HERETICS BURNED.”
candide
What kind of place is this?
cacambo
Oh, it’s a most just kingdom -- here the holy fathers own everything and the people starve.
A garrison of armed MONKS enter and point their weapons at Candide and Cacambo.
ext. arbor - later
A fat hooded monk, wearing a habit of fine white silk, is standing in an immaculate botanical garden, in front of a pavilion with a golden dome and a marble colonnade. Candide and Cacambo, escorted by armed monks, approach him from behind.
monk
I am told you are a German.
candide
Yes, father.
The monk turns around, revealing Baron Thunder-ten-tronckh. Candide and the Baron point at each other.
candide and baron
You!
baron
(to guards)
Leave us.
The guards leave.
candide
But . . . but you were murdered by the French.
baron
Yes -- but murder needn’t always be fatal. After the French finished with us, the local Jesuit priests carried us off. One of them saw that I still hung to life. He nursed me back to health; and in exchange, I dedicated my life to their brotherhood. I was soon sent here where I have risen to colonel.
candide
Your daughter, she also lives!
baron
What?
candide
At this very moment she’s in Buenos Aires.
The Baron falls to his knees.
baron
It’s not . . . it’s not possible.
candide
And I love her!
The baron rises.
baron
Insolent villain! You, a common bastard!
candide
I may’ve been low-born, but I’ve killed two men in her behalf -- and . . . and I’ll shall marry her!
baron
We shall see!
The Baron takes out his sword and swings at Candide, cutting Candide’s face. Candide touches the blood flowing down his face, looks at it, and angrily takes out his sword. The two fight. Candide kills the Baron.
Candide, shocked, falls to his knees over the body.
candide
My God! I’ve killed my lord.
cacambo
You can lament later. We must leave -- now!
candide
But how?
ext. PARAGUAYAN border - later
The monk is standing guard.
cacambo (o.s.)
Make way! Make way for the Reverend Father Colonel!
The monk opens the fortification. Candide, wearing the Baron’s habit, and Cacambo storm out on horseback. Torquemada and his men approach from the other direction.
ext. meadow - later
Candide, still wearing the baron’s habit, and Cacambo are sitting in a field.
candide
I’m doomed.
He puts a revolver to his head.
cacambo
(shocked)
Master -- please! It’s a sin.
candide
Why should I prolong such a wretched life?
The voices of women cry out off-screen.
Candide and Cacambo stand, turn to their left, and see two APES chasing two WOMEN. Candide shoots the apes dead.
candide (cont’d)
I may’ve killed two priests and a Jew, but I’ve now made amends to God by saving these damsels in distress.
The two women, in tears, embrace the apes.
candide (cont’d)
What’s this?
cacambo
Master, those apes . . . it appears they were the girls’ . . . how should I say this?
candide
No!
cacambo
Yes. These Americans have strange ways. We had better leave.
Candide and Cacambo turn around and are surrounded by fifty Oreillons (Native Americans), carrying bows and arrows.
ext. oreillons’ camp - later
The Oreillons, including the CHIEF, who is wearing an elaborate headdress, are happily preparing a large, bubbling cauldron while Candide and Cacambo look on, bound and guarded.
oreillons
(singing)
A Jesuit! A Jesuit! We’re gonna eat a Jesuit!
candide
(whispering to Cacambo)
They don’t even have the decency to sing Te Deum before they eat us.
cacambo
(to tribe)
You know, you don’t really want to eat us.
chief
Yes, we do! You Jesuits -- you take our land -- you kill our people -- all because we refuse to pray to your gods.
candide
We have but one God.
chief
You lie -- you have a Father, Son, and Holy Ghost! But you can pray to three hundred -- we will have our revenge!
cacambo
And so you should. But we are not Jesuits. In fact, Captain Candide’s their enemy -- he killed their leader and is wearing his garb.
An Oreillon grabs Candide’s arm.
oreillon
More lies! He is a Jesuit -- he even has a “J” tattooed on his hand.
cacambo
Go to the Jesuit outpost and ask them.
The chief looks at Candide pensively.
ext. oreillons’ camp - later
Tribesmen are eating and dancing to the beat of drums. The chief dips a large bowl in the cauldron and takes a sip. He smiles.
chief
Good.
He walks over and gives the bowl to Candide.
chief (cont’d)
Here, my brother. Unfortunately, there’s no meat. Or for your sake, fortunately.
Candide takes the bowl and the chief leaves.
candide
You see, Cacambo, everything is for the best -- for if I hadn’t butchered my beloved’s father, . . .
cacambo
Yes, but let us return to the Old World, where the savagery is at least Christian in nature.
candide
But how?
cacambo
We’ll go to Cayenne. From there we can get a boat to France.
oreillon
Cayenne? You’ll never make it. The road there is paved with death.
cacambo
We Europeans laugh at death. Ha-ha!
Gun shots are fired, and Cacambo falls to ground in fear. The Oreillon is killed. The Oreillons fire back with arrows and spears. Candide and Cacambo crawl between the fighting Oreillons, who are quickly slaughtered by Torquemada’s men.
Candide and Cacambo make it to the forest just as Torquemada enters the camp. The soldiers search through the bodies.
soldier
Darn -- it was all for naught.
torquemada
Not at all. We’ve relieved these poor savages from their erring ways. Let us bow our heads in prayer.
They bow their heads.
torquemada (cont’d)
Thank you, Lord, for --
Jesus Christ approaches from the forest.
jesus
I have returned again!
Torquemada, without looking, shoots Christ dead.
torquemada
Don’t interrupt. Now, where was I? Yes. Thank you, Lord, for giving us weapons of mass destruction and sufficient intolerance to use them. Amen.
soldiers
Amen.
map of south america
A dotted line is slowly drawn from Paraguay toward north-central South America.
narrator (o.s.)
Having narrowly escaped, Candide and Cacambo began the treacherous journey north.
montage - Candide and cacambo on the road to cayenne
-- They climb up an almost ninety-degree steep mountain.
-- They cross a large, powerful river and are tossed between rocks.
-- They crawl across a barren desert.
ext. desert - same
Candide and Cacambo are crawling slower and slower. Cacambo stops.
cacambo
Death -- ha-ha.
candide
Look -- there’s a stream.
Candide stands up and runs to the stream.
cacambo
My friend, it’s only a mirage.
Candide dives into the water and starts howling.
cacambo (cont’d)
You’re only fooling yourself. It doesn’t exist.
Candide points to a canoe.
candide
And look -- a canoe.
cacambo
Another mirage.
ext. river - later
Candide is paddling the canoe, while Cacambo shakes his head.
cacambo
When are you gonna give up on this fantasy? Here is only desert.
Candide playfully splashes water in Cacambo’s eyes.
cacambo
You got sand in my eyes.
ext. river - same
The canoe is uncontrollably rushing down violent rapids, occasionally turning over.
cacambo
Now, you’ve almost got me believing it.
candide
I’m sure we’re almost through it. We’re certain to be safe now.
The canoe reaches a tall waterfall, where it flies through the air, throwing Candide and Cacambo into the deep water basin below. The canoe is smashed to pieces.
ext. basin - same
Candide and Cacambo rise above the water. They look up and see themselves surrounded by impenetrable mountain tops, thousands of feet high. Below, is a lush plain, where large red sheep are grazing. Two gilded carriage drives past one another.
candide
Wherever we are, it must be exceedingly wealthy.
ext. plain - later
Candide and Cacambo are walking along a road. They come to schoolhouse, in front of which a group of children are playing with large chunks of solid gold.
candide
They must children of royalty.
The SCHOOLMASTER exits the schoolhouse and rings a bell. The children drop the gold and run inside. Candide rushes over, picks up the gold, and runs to the schoolmaster.
candide (cont’d)
Excuse me, sir -- but the royal highnesses forgot their jewels.
He hands the schoolmaster the gold. The schoolmaster looks at Candide as if he were crazy, and tosses the gold on the ground as if it were garbage. He turns and walks into the schoolhouse.
candide (cont’d)
Such contempt for gold? Cacambo, we’ve found a true Christian nation.
ext. town - later
Candide and Cacambo, each carrying gold, walk down a street paved with gold. They are awestruck as they pass golden houses. They stop in front of a restaurant.
int. restaurant - later
They are amongst are raucous crowd. Candide and Cacambo are finishing an immense, many-course meal served on crystal platters. The waiter brings them the check.
Candide offers him two pieces of the gold. The crowd becomes silent and stare at Candide in disbelief for a few moments. The waiter and the crowd then break down in laughter. The waiter puts his hand on Candide’s shoulder.
waiter
It’s all right, my friend. You are foreigners and clearly don’t know better. Please, be our guests.
The waiter leaves.
cacambo
I thought it was only a myth.
candide
What?
cacambo
We must be in El Dorado.
male voice (o.s.)
Yes, that is what you Spaniards call it.
cacambo
I always knew it existed.
Candide and Cacambo turn to an OLD MAN.
OLD MAN
Fortunately, until now you never found it. Otherwise you would’ve surely murdered us for our yellow clay, like you did our good Inca cousins.
candide
You must be mistaken, good sir. The Pope issued a bull forbidding the exploitation and abuse of native peoples.
old man
A bull? That’s a good word for it.
cacambo
Incas are your cousins? Then, you’re pagans?
old man
If that means we don’t worship your gods, yes.
candide
We worship only one God.
old man
So do we. He is the everywhere -- the air we breathe, the food we eat, the love we share for each other. And we worship Him incessantly.
candide
But where are your churches, your priests?
old man
Our churches are wherever we are -- and we are all priests.
cacambo
But you need monks.
old man
What for?
cacambo
To argue, to govern, to intrigue -- to burn those not in unison with the one true faith.
The old man laughs.
old man
You must meet our king. He will find you very amusing.
ext. city center - day
Candide and Cacambo pass through an immense square with a huge golden fountain in its center, surrounded on all sides by beautiful buildings. They pause at the entrance of a towering golden edifice.
int. king’s chamber - later
Candide and Cacambo enter to great fanfare. The room is filled with elegantly dressed men, beautiful women, and hundreds of musicians. Cacambo turns to a FOOTMAN.
cacambo
How do we pay our respects to His Majesty? Do we prostrate before him? Do we lick the surface he walks on?
The footman smiles.
FOOTman
You embrace him and kiss him on both cheeks. Like you do any man.
int. king’s chamber - later
The KING, a modest-looking man, is in the center of a large table, where hundreds are feasting. Candide and Cacambo are by his side.
king
What else would you like to know about our kingdom?
candide
Where are your courts?
king
Why would we need courts?
cacambo
Lawsuits, of course.
The king looks astonished. His men mumble to themselves.
king
What’s a lawsuit?
candide
You mean, you have no lawyers?
king
Oh, yes, we once had some. But we executed them long ago.
candide
Surely, you must have prisons?
king
Prisons for whom?
candide
Malefactors.
cacambo
And heretics.
king
We have none of these things.
candide
If only Master Pangloss were alive to see this -- for this surely is the best of all worlds, albeit one without my beloved Cunegund.
king
Here you will find many beautiful and intelligent women who will perhaps help you to forget her. For, my friends, I wish you to remain as guests of our kingdom forever.
int. palace room - day
A somber-looking Candide is lying in a lounge chair being fed grapes by a host of beautiful woman. Cacambo enters.
cacambo
I don’t know about you, master -- but all this paradise is getting a little tiresome.
candide
I agree.
cacambo
Here we are just like everyone else. But if we were to return to our own world, with just a few of those sheep, loaded down with gold, we’d be richer than all the kings of Europe -- and out of reach of inquisitors.
candide
And Cunegund would finally be mine.
int. king’s chamber - later
The King shakes his head at Candide and Cacambo.
king
I don’t understand why you want to leave; but as all men by nature are free, it would be tyrannous to keep you here. But the mountains -- they can’t be crossed.
candide
Perhaps your engineers could build us a balloon.
king
Perhaps.
cacambo
And would it be too much to ask for a few sheep laden with gold?
king
(smiles)
I cannot comprehend the fascination you Europeans have for our clay -- but, of course, take as much as you’d like.
ext. city center - day
Candide, Cacambo, and a few sheep, strapped with large sacks, are inside an enormous balloon. Some men cut the ropes, and the balloon rises. The king and all the people wave goodbye.
The balloon rises above the mountains into the clouds.
map of south america
A dotted-line is drawn from north-central South America toward Surinam.
narrator (v.o.)
And so, steadily, the heroes made their way back to civilization.
ext. surinam - day
Cacambo lowers the balloon toward the ground.
candide
Where do you think we are?
cacambo
I believe this is Surinam, and the beginning of our happiness.
The balloon reaches the ground, in front of a sitting African-American SLAVE, who is wearing a tattered garment and missing an hand and a leg. Candide and Cacambo step out of the balloon.
candide
Good God, man -- what happened to you?
slave
I am just waiting here for my master.
candide
Is he the one who did this to you?
slave
I once caught my finger in the sugar mill, so -- to avoid any loss in production -- they chopped my entire hand off.
He caresses his stump.
slave (cont’d)
And then, when I tried to run away, they cut my leg off.
candide
Dreadful!
slave
But it was all for a good cause -- the eating of sugar. That’s what my mother said before she sold me to the Dutch traders.
candide
Unbelievable!
slave
Ah, but in return the traders have given me Christianity -- and have taught me how all men, black and white, are children of the same Father, and equal in His eyes.
Candide look up at the sky with bitterness.
candide
O Pangloss! Such horror never entered your imagination. Henceforth, I renounce your optimism!
Thunder and lightning strikes. Rain pours down.
cacambo
What is optimism?
candide
It’s believing everything is for the best when it’s really only for the worst.
Candide hands the slave some gold.
candide (cont’d)
Here -- buy your freedom and remove yourself as far as you can from the human race.
ext. dock - day
Candide and Cacambo are talking with a heavy-set, weathered CAPTAIN.
captain
You’re in luck, boys -- I’m leaving for Buenos Aires the first of the week.
candide
Fantastic! We’ll pick up Cunegund and leave this cursed world forever.
captain
Cunegund? You don’t mean the Governor’s favorite wife?
Candide turns to Cacambo in shock.
cacambo
He has more than one?
captain
He received a special compensation from the Church.
candide
You mean, dispensation.
The Captain smiles.
captain
What’s the difference?
Candide turns to Cacambo. Cacambo shrugs.
ext. dock - later
Candide is talking with Cacambo alone.
candide
Take a few millions worth of our dirt and bribe the governor with it. If need be, buy him another bride.
cacambo
You mean, go without you?
candide
They’re probably still upset at me for my little mishap with the Inquisitor, but they have nothing against you.
Cacambo falls to the ground.
cacambo
But I cannot leave you, master. You are more special to me than my brother, . . . who I once killed.
candide
After you pick them up, meet me in Venice -- it’s a free city.
ext. ship - day
Candide is walking up the plank of a ship with his sheep. He stops in front of the captain, who eyes all the gold strapped to the sheep.
candide
Captain, when will we reach in Venice?
captain
What’d you say? Hey, let me see the export documents for those sheep.
candide
I haven’t got any.
captain
You’ll get them at the courthouse.
(smiles)
We’ll wait for you.
ext. courthouse - later
Candide rushes inside.
int. courthouse - later
Candide is talking with an elderly JUDGE with a long white wig.
candide
But there must be such documents. The captain told me there were.
judge
Are you calling me a liar?
The judge bangs his gavel.
judge (cont’d)
You’re in contempt of court! Ten-thousand-Piastre fine!
ext. dock - later
Candide rushes to the end of the pier, where he sees the ship a few hundred meters into the sea. The captain is smiling at him, waving goodbye.
int. courthouse - later
A flustered Candide is talking with the judge.
judge
There’s no need for such fury. I’m fining you ten thousand Piastres for your petulance.
candide
But I’ve been robbed!
judge
We’ll look into the affair when the captain returns. In the mean time, you are to pay court costs in the amount of ten thousand Piastres.
EXT. COURTHOUSE - LATER
A disgruntled Candide exits. The slave, who is now missing both hands, is begging outside.
candide
What happened?
slave
I bought my freedom with your generous gift. But my master was so insulted with my ingratitude that he cut off my other hand.
ext. dock - later
Candide is standing at the end of the pier, watching the ship disappear into the distance. Standing near him is MARTIN, a small middle-aged man. Both men solemnly look downward.
candide
Why’d I ever leave paradise?
martin
Probably the same reason Adam did. It’s every man’s destiny to fall.
Martin raises his head and climbs on the railing. Candide turns to Martin.
candide
What are you doing?
martin
Drowning myself. For I’m clearly not destined to hang.
candide
Surely, things can’t be that bad. If you knew what I’ve suffered --
martin
You? I’ve been robbed by my wife, beaten by my son, forsaken by my daughter, fired from my job -- and now, I’m to be tried for heresy by the Calvinist ministers, all because I ate fish on a Friday.
candide
Alas, someone more wretched than me. Good sir, although I’ve lost riches equal to five kingdoms, with what I have in my pockets, I’m still rich.
(beat)
Let me hire you as my companion. There’s a ship leaving for Bordeaux tomorrow.
map of the atlantic ocean
A dotted line is drawn from Surinam toward France.
narrator (v.o.)
At last, our hero was returning to the Old World, eagerly anticipating his reunion with his beloved.
ext. sea - day
A sailing ship rides calmly through beautiful blue skies.
ext. ship - same
Candide and Martin are looking out over the railing.
martin
I cannot help but think God has abandoned us to the devil. I know no country that doesn’t wish the destruction of another -- no family that doesn’t wish the death of one of its own.
Two ships in the near distance head for each other.
martin (cont’d)
The poor hate the rich even while they grovel in front of them; the rich in turn treat the poor like cattle, whose flesh they freely barter.
The two ships start firing on one another.
martin (cont’d)
And all across the world, millions of trained assassins, commonly called soldiers, earn their bread by depredation, albeit in a most gentlemanly manner.
One of the ships starts sinking, amidst the cries of those aboard.
candide
Surely, there must be some good in this world.
martin
We are witnessing it.
The Dutch captain who cheated Candide floats toward them face first.
candide
Alas -- there is some justice. This is the villain who robbed me!
martin
Yes, God has punished the scoundrel. And Satan has taken the rest.
ext. bordeaux - day
The ship casts anchor.
ext. ship - same
Candide and Martin walk down the gangway. Candide smiles.
candide
Have you ever been to France?
martin
It’s my birthplace. A land rich in scribblers, malcontents, and fanatics. Half the people are fools, the other half mad. Their ruling passion is lust, followed closely by slander.
candide
Perhaps we’ll head directly for Venice.
map of france
A dotted line is drawn across France, stopping in Paris.
narrator (v.o.)
However, on their way through Paris, Candide took mysteriously ill.
ext. paris - day
A carriage travels through the city.
candide (o.s.)
Quick -- pull over!
The carriage stops by the side of the road. Candide vomits off-screen.
narrator (v.o.)
Perhaps it was the snails. Or the frog legs.
ext. hotel - day
Martin enters the elegant building.
int. hotel room -- same
Candide is lying on a bed sick, a flock of exquisitely-dressed LADIES sitting by his side, being addressed by a DOCTOR.
candide
But I didn’t ask for a doctor. Or for you ladies.
doctor
No. But I heard you were ill. And exceedingly rich.
first lady
We heard likewise.
candide
I wish you would all leave.
Martin enters.
doctor
Please, monsieur, you must be bled immediately. I would recommend my special leech enemas.
int. room - day
An unseen man is reading a newspaper account of Candide’s illness. A diamond-studded cane lies against a nearby table.
man (o.s.)
Hmmm. We’ll see about this.
ext. hotel - night
A host of doctors exit.
narrator (o.s.)
Candide’s condition -- after being treated by the best doctors in Paris -- saw noticeable change.
A MONK enters.
int. hotel room - later
A sickly Candide, attended to by Martin and the ladies, is being addressed by the monk.
monk
But, monsieur, you must receive an indulgence before you die. Otherwise your soul cannot enter Heaven. You are very fortunate in that I’m offering a special price this week.
candide
How special?
monk
It depends on how long you want to wait in Purgatory. Week stays start at as little as nineteen ninety-five. Not including tax, of course.
candide
I don’t want any.
first lady
I assure you, these indulgences are all the rage in Paris. You simply must have one.
Martin grabs the monk by the shoulder and leads him to the door.
martin
Come on -- out!
monk
You will not have a Christian burial -- I promise you!
An elderly man with the diamond-studded cane, enters.
candide
Who are you?
elderly man
(indignantly)
Voltaire -- the author of this insipid story. You and your friends are nothing but products of my imagination. And I demand royalties!
candide
What?
voltaire
Half-a-million and one percent of the gross should suffice.
Martin angrily drags Voltaire out the door.
martin
Join the other beggar!
voltaire
You’ll hear from my lawyer!
ext. map
A dotted line is drawn from Paris toward the coast of France.
narrator (v.o.)
After removing himself from Paris, Candide miraculously recovered; and was in such hurry to leave France that he took the first ship leaving.
The dotted line continues on toward England.
narrator (v.o.) (cont’d)
Even if it were going in the wrong direction.
ext. portsmouth - day
Candide and Martin exit the ship onto the pier, where an ADMIRAL is facing a firing squad. Candide turns to a BYSTANDER.
CANDIDE
Who is that man?
bystander
An admiral.
candide
What did he do?
bystander
He didn’t murder enough French during the last war. This will encourage his men to be less merciful next time.
Soldiers shoot the Admiral. His body drops into the ocean.
martin
At least, they gave him a burial at sea.
ext. map
A dotted line is drawn from England through the Strait of Gibraltar on onward toward Venice.
narrator (v.o.)
Finally, our hero reached his destination.
ext. venice - day
Candide and Martin are riding on a gondola, on which a gondolier is singing a sweet song.
candide
To think of the years we’ve spent traveling -- and still Cacambo has not yet arrived here with my beloved.
martin
You were very naive to believe that rascal of yours, with all the gold you gave him, would go in search of your mistress. And if he did find her, he certainly would’ve kept her for himself.
Candide dejectedly lowers his head.
candide
Perhaps you’re right -- perhaps all is deceit and misery.
The gondolier’s barcarole reaches a powerful climax. Candide raises his head.
candide (cont’d)
That voice! No -- there must be some good in this world.
They pass a psychiatric hospital.
int. hospital - same
A heavy-set, bearded PSYCHIATRIST, who is writing in a notepad with a quill, is talking with Torquemada, who is lying on a couch.
psychiatrist
Tell me -- how long have you’ve been obsessed with burning things?
torquemada
It all started when my father gave me a magnifying glass as a child. I began burning heretical insects.
psychiatrist
I see.
torquemada
Then, I moved onto small animals that copulated excessively. Finally, things came full circle when as a novitiate, I burned my father.
ext. piazza san marco
A miserable-looking Candide and Martin are sitting in an outdoor cafe. A man and a woman, faces unseen, pass arm-in-arm.
candide
At least those two are happy.
martin
Not a chance.
candide
Do you care to wager?
ext. piazza - later
Torquemada and a woman are sitting with Candide and Martin. The woman looks at Candide strangely.
torquemada
Happy? My parents forced this life upon me to increase the fortunes of my elder brother. I’ve wasted years chasing a heretic I’ve never even seen. And meanwhile, I waste time with women of her kind.
candide
Then, she’s a . . .
woman
Candide, is that you? Don’t you remember me -- Pacquette?
candide
The one who nearly destroyed Pangloss?
pacquette
The very same. Fortunately, I was cured by a loving doctor, who kept me until he had some legal trouble, at which time he passed me along to a judge, who then passed me along to a merchant, who left me here to perform this horrible trade.
candide
But you looked so happy.
pacquette
Yesterday, I was savagely beaten by an army captain -- today, I must look happy for the sake of this monk.
Martin smiles.
martin
I’ve won. You see, everyone’s miserable. Even that singing gondolier -- oh, if only we had seen him at home with his homely wife and insufferable brats.
candide
If I’ve found Pacquette, perhaps one day I’ll also find my Cunegund.
martin
I doubt it.
candide
You have no faith!
martin
And you have no reason.
Torquemada quickly rises.
torquemada
Did you say, Candide? The Candide who killed the Grand Inquisitor?
candide
It was a misunderstanding.
Torquemada stands and politely motions Candide to leave.
torquemada
Come -- we’ll find you a nice stake. And if you’re real good, I’ll even have Te Deum sung afterward.
pacquette
Is this absolutely necessary?
torquemada
I’m afraid so, my dear.
The Prussian sergeant, followed by a half-dozen soldiers, storm toward Candide. The sergeant grabs him.
sergeant
Finally.
torquemada
Sergeant, leave that man alone -- he’s my charge.
sergeant
He’s to return to Prussia.
torquemada
He’s to burn.
sergeant
He’s to be the King’s consort.
torquemada
He can be his consort after he burns.
sergeant
What fun would that be?
torquemada
Don’t knock it till you’ve tried it.
sergeant
(to soldiers)
Take him.
torquemada
If you don’t relent, I’m afraid I’ll have to excommunicate you.
sergeant
I’m Lutheran.
torquemada
In that case, be so kind as to join Candide at the stake.
The soldiers point their guns at Torquemada.
sergeant
Who’s gonna burn whom?
Torquemada motions behind himself, and a dozen PAPAL SOLDIERS come and aim their weapons at the soldiers.
torquemada
We’re gonna burn you.
sergeant
Yeah?
The sergeant motions behind himself, and a cannon battalion enters the square.
torquemada
Yeah.
Torquemada motions behind himself, and a Gatling-gun battalion enters.
The sergeant motions behind himself, and a Panzer division enters.
Torquemada motions behind himself, and a battalion enters with missile launchers.
They start firing on each other. Candide and Martin crawl away on the ground.
narrator (v.o.)
And so began the glorious wars of religion, where millions showed their love of God -- by slaughtering His creations.
ext. venice - day
Candide, his head dejectedly down, is riding on the same gondola as before, the gondolier singing another sweet song.
candide
Please, stop singing.
Cacambo appears by the river’s edge.
cacambo
Master!
candide
Cacambo! I had given up hope!
(to gondolier)
Stop!
cacambo
Be ready to leave Venice at a moment’s notice.
candide
But Cunegund -- where is she?
cacambo
Constantinople. She awaits you.
candide
Then, let’s go now!
cacambo
I will tell you when. Now, I must leave you -- for I am a slave.
ext. pier - day
Candide and Martin stop in front of a large Turkish galley ship.
candide
I’ve lost a fortune and have had many calamities, but I tell you -- if I find my Cunegund, it was all worth it, and Master Pangloss will have been right, that everything truly is for the best.
Cacambo waves to them from the ship.
cacambo
Come aboard, sir -- your berth is prepared.
map of the MEDITERRANEAN
A dotted line is drawn from Venice toward Turkey.
narrator
After years apart, Candide was finally inching toward his destiny.
ext. sea - same
The galley ship roughly passes over the waves. The galley slaves are singing “Te Deum” to the beat of the oars.
galley slaves (o.s.)
You are God: we praise you;
You are the Lord; we acclaim you;
You are the eternal Father:
All creation worships you.
To you all angels, all the powers of heaven,
Cherubim and Seraphim, sing in endless praise:
"Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of power and might,
Heaven and earth are full of your glory.”
galley master (o.s.)
Faster! Faster! Faster!
A whip is flung off-screen, followed by the cry of a man.
ext. ship - same
Candide is frantically talking with Cacambo, while Martin looks on. Galley slaves intermittently scream.
candide
You must tell me what has become of Cunegund!
cacambo
She washes dishes on the bank of the sea, as a slave. And most woefully, has become hideously ugly.
Candide is shocked. He pauses a moment in thought.
candide
No matter -- beautiful or ugly -- I will love her forever! But tell me -- what happened?
cacambo
After I paid a large bribe to the governor, the rest of the fortune was taken by pirates, who sold us to Turks, whose ship we travel on.
candide
Well, I still have some gold left -- I will buy her freedom as I’ve bought yours.
(lowering his head)
It’s a pity, though, that she’s
. . . so ugly.
ext. constantinople - day
Candide, Cacambo, and Martin are standing by the ship, as a long line of chained galley slaves exit down the plank, led by Jesus Christ.
jesus
I should’ve stayed in my sepulcher.
The last of the galley slaves exit the ship, including Pangloss and the Baron. Candide looks at them with astonishment.
candide
Strange. If I didn’t know Pangloss was hung and that the Baron was murdered by my own hands, I’d swear it was them.
Pangloss and the Baron stop in shock.
pangloss and baron
Candide?
The GALLEY MASTER rushes over to Pangloss and the Baron and whips them mercilessly.
galley master
You Christian dogs -- move!
candide
Stop -- I will buy their freedom!
ext. pier - later
Candide, Cacambo, Martin, Pangloss, and the Baron are sitting around a table looking over the sea.
baron
As I’ve told you before, murder isn’t always fatal.
candide
By the way, I sincerely apologize for running my sword through your body.
baron
Think nothing of it. Anyway, a few days after you killed me, a local medicine man came by and cured me. Of course, I had him burned for witchcraft.
candide
But how did you end up in Turkey?
baron
I was sent here to serve the French Embassy as a chaplain. Well, there was this handsome young boy. And you see, he was hot, so he took a swim. I was hot, so I joined him. Little did I know it’s a crime for a priest to be naked with a boy -- it’s certainly not a crime back home.
candide
And you, Pangloss, how is it that you live?
pangloss
As I told you, being a very special heretic, I had the honor of being hung. But you see, they’re so used to burning people, they’ve completely forgotten the art of proper gallows-making. They did such a poor job of it, my neck didn’t even break -- I just fell unconscious. The mortician, a secret Jew himself, gave me succor so he could sell me to the galley master to help raise funds for Jewish relief.
candide
Horrible. Just horrible.
pangloss
Not at all, my boy. It was perfectly natural and necessary. Just like the concatenation of sublunary events that brought you aboard the galley and freed me.
candide
So, after all this, you still think everything is for the best?
pangloss
Leibniz couldn’t have been wrong when he wrote that the pre-established harmony is the finest thing in the world -- along with plenum and the materia subtilis.
ext. sea - day
A small galley ship is quickly moving along the coast.
ext. ship - same
Candide, Cacambo, Martin, Pangloss, and the Baron are standing on the deck.
martin
(to Pangloss)
Surely, you can’t believe being a galley slave was for the best.
A galley slay cries out in pain.
pangloss
I found great consolation in it. And the many whippings relieved the boils on my back.
Candide turns to Cacambo.
candide
How much longer?
cacambo
Just around this corner.
ext. shore - later
Cunegund, her face weathered and blemished, is washing dishes alongside the old woman.
candide (o.s.)
Cunegund!
Cunegund raises her head in surprise. The Baron rushes toward her with open arms.
baron
My baby!
When the Baron sees her face, he stops and timidly offers her his hand.
baron (cont’d)
Good to see you, my dear.
She looks toward an off-screen Candide.
cunegund
Is that you, Candide?
Candide warily approaches, unable to hide his disappointed at her appearance.
candide
Hello, my dear.
cunegund
Do you still love me?
candide
(unconvincingly)
Of course.
cunegund
At last, we’ll be married!
baron
Never! No daughter of mine will ever marry so beneath her.
Cunegund falls to the feet of the Baron crying.
cunegund
Please, daddy!
candide
Ah, perhaps your father has a good point.
ext. CEMETERY - day
A crying Cunegund drops flowers into a grave while the others (besides the Baron) look on.
narrator (v.o.)
But Cunegund won out -- by having the Baron killed a third and final time, and the two star-crossed lovers were finally married.
Voltaire, followed by a BAILIFF, quickly approaches the mourners and points at Candide.
voltaire
That’s him!
The bailiff hands Candide a document.
bailiff
You are hereby ordered to appear in court on charges of copyright infringement.
ext. farm - day
Candide, Pangloss, Martin, Cacambo, and the old woman are miserably sitting in a dilapidated field.
narrator (v.o.)
After paying legal costs, Candide, with the last of his money, bought a small farm for his extended family, to pass their remaining days quietly.
cunegund (o.s)
(bitterly)
Candide -- where the hell are you? Take out the garbage! Or no lectures tonight!
candide
Coming, my dear.
old woman
I wonder what is worse -- to be ravished by pirates, to have one's buttock cut off, to run gauntlets, to be tortured and hung by inquisitions, to be a galley slave
-- or to sit around here and do absolutely nothing.
martin
Man was born to suffer either the convulsions of disquiet or the lethargy of idleness.
pangloss
I still maintain everything is for the best. I maintain it, though,
. . .
(lowering his head)
I don’t really believe it.
The view slowly zooms out until the earth is shown in outer space.
narrator (o.s.)
And so, our hero and his friends lived happily ever after in what truly was the best of all possible worlds.
FADE OUT:
<< Home